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Posted on 7/22/15 at 6:54 am to BOSCEAUX
quote:
"That boy has two things on his mind pussy and fishing and fishing is losing in a land slide,"
Good one
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:15 am to BOSCEAUX
"I'm just going get a pack of smokes. I'll be right back."
Good joke dad
Good joke dad
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:16 am to Bama and Beer
Called me a "blooming idiot" a lot growing up. Also a tick turd. Threatened to make me into a lamp shade regularly for some reason. Would tell me my brain cells were breaking down. Liked to sit in the stands at high school basketball games and heckle me from the stands with his favorites being "every blind squirrel finds an acorn" or "the sun shines on a dogs arse every now and then" when I did something good.
Basically he just liked to keep me pissed off, lol.
Basically he just liked to keep me pissed off, lol.
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:17 am to Tiger n Miami AU83
Oh, and "hotter than a Billy goat in a pepper patch".
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:21 am to BOSCEAUX
Not my dad but my grand father. He once told me this after watching a pretty young lady walk by "Last piece of arse I had was when your grandmother bought that single ply toilet paper and my fingernail broke through"
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:24 am to BOSCEAUX
"You have a lot of your mother (his first of 3 ex wives) running in you. It's in your best interests to let go of that."
"You know the batting averages of every player on LSU's baseball team but you don't know shite about this job. Tell me how Blake Dean is going to help shape your future?"
"I'm convinced you have brain damage, Sampson. How someone so smart can also be so stupid is beyond me."
"Im going out tonight to try and kiss a snatch I mean snatch a kiss."
"You know the batting averages of every player on LSU's baseball team but you don't know shite about this job. Tell me how Blake Dean is going to help shape your future?"
"I'm convinced you have brain damage, Sampson. How someone so smart can also be so stupid is beyond me."
"Im going out tonight to try and kiss a snatch I mean snatch a kiss."
This post was edited on 7/22/15 at 7:27 am
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:29 am to Sampson
My dad says all kinds of crazy shite... but my friends dad said one of the funnier things I've heard. We were talking about how bad the school system was where my friend went to school and how some black kids were always trying to start fights.
Friend's dad: "I told him that black people are scared of 3 things - deep water, snakes, and crazy arse white people. I told him the next time they tried to start some shite that he should act crazy."
Me: "So did it work?"
Friend's dad: "Nah he got jumped by like 5 or 6 of 'em. I guess he should have brought a pool or some snakes with him."
Friend's dad: "I told him that black people are scared of 3 things - deep water, snakes, and crazy arse white people. I told him the next time they tried to start some shite that he should act crazy."
Me: "So did it work?"
Friend's dad: "Nah he got jumped by like 5 or 6 of 'em. I guess he should have brought a pool or some snakes with him."
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:31 am to terd ferguson
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:33 am to terd ferguson
When it was raining hard on the tin Roof at the camp, he would say it sounds like a 2 twatted cow pissing on a flat rock.
Also, when we needed to go out in the rain, he'd say don't worry son, you ain't made of sugar, you won't melt. Or shite floats so you'll be ok.
Also, when we needed to go out in the rain, he'd say don't worry son, you ain't made of sugar, you won't melt. Or shite floats so you'll be ok.
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:34 am to BOSCEAUX
"Eat over your cylinder"
Or plate to everyone else. His reasoning was that your plate is an infinite cylinder that goes up into space. As long as you eat over your cylinder you don't food on your mothers rug.
Or plate to everyone else. His reasoning was that your plate is an infinite cylinder that goes up into space. As long as you eat over your cylinder you don't food on your mothers rug.
This post was edited on 7/22/15 at 7:34 am
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:35 am to Nado Jenkins83
"Life is revenge of the nerds."
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:38 am to terd ferguson
He was tighter than a preacher's prick in a calf's arse.
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:43 am to BOSCEAUX
Wish I had something to contribute. My dad wasn't all that funny or crazy with stuff like this.
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:44 am to Sampson
He was one of the funniest dudes I ever met. We went to a bar in NJ where they live (it was me, my friend, my friend's dad, and my friend's cousin). We all got pretty hammered and at some point my friend got in an argument w/ his gf and left the bar. My friend's dad tells me I have to drive his car home b/c if his wife finds out that he was drinking and driving she'll get mad (he lives about 2 or 3 miles away). We leave and get back to his house and start drinking more on the front porch waiting for my friend to show up.
A couple of hours later the cousin comes walking up... he's shivering his arse off b/c this is in NJ during the winter and he has no jacket on.
Cousin: "Uncle Rich, why the frick did you leave me at the bar?"
Friend's dad (laughing): "I forgot you were with us. Did you walk all the way here?"
Cousin: "Yeah I walked. You left with the car."
Friend's dad: "Why aren't you wearing a jacket, dumbass?"
Cousin: "Because it's in your car!"
Friend's dad: "Well why didn't you call a cab, idiot?"
Cousin: "I don't have any money."
Friend's dad: "Well maybe you should get a fricking job then."
Cousin: "frick you, Uncle Rich."
Friend's dad (to me): "We'll see if he still feels like that later when he needs a ride home."
A couple of hours later the cousin comes walking up... he's shivering his arse off b/c this is in NJ during the winter and he has no jacket on.
Cousin: "Uncle Rich, why the frick did you leave me at the bar?"
Friend's dad (laughing): "I forgot you were with us. Did you walk all the way here?"
Cousin: "Yeah I walked. You left with the car."
Friend's dad: "Why aren't you wearing a jacket, dumbass?"
Cousin: "Because it's in your car!"
Friend's dad: "Well why didn't you call a cab, idiot?"
Cousin: "I don't have any money."
Friend's dad: "Well maybe you should get a fricking job then."
Cousin: "frick you, Uncle Rich."
Friend's dad (to me): "We'll see if he still feels like that later when he needs a ride home."
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:45 am to hendersonshands
quote:
"I'm just going get a pack of smokes. I'll be right back"
Posted on 7/22/15 at 7:47 am to HoustonGumbeauxGuy
"Hotter than a freshly fricked fox in a forest fire"
"You'd break a metal ball with a rubber mallet"
... My father and his three living brothers telling stories sitting around. Every 20 seconds or so you'd hear the word "sheeeit"
"You'd break a metal ball with a rubber mallet"
... My father and his three living brothers telling stories sitting around. Every 20 seconds or so you'd hear the word "sheeeit"
Posted on 7/22/15 at 8:18 am to BOSCEAUX
"Boy, you could piss off Jesus."
"You would argue with a stop sign."
"I'm so hungry I could eat the arse end out of a menstruating skunk."
When he doesn't want to do something "I'd rather stand on my head in a bucket of shite."
"You would argue with a stop sign."
"I'm so hungry I could eat the arse end out of a menstruating skunk."
When he doesn't want to do something "I'd rather stand on my head in a bucket of shite."
Posted on 7/22/15 at 8:31 am to tigerpimpbot
Hey pull my finger
Posted on 7/22/15 at 8:57 am to BOSCEAUX
God gave women two sets of lips... so they could piss and moan at the same time.
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