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Message
re: Caught my kid drinking
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:43 am to Sev09
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:43 am to Sev09
quote:
Sure, we've made mistakes, but if your kids respect you, they'll listen when you explain to them when they're messing up.
They will, you just have to make sure the first time you have talked with them about it is when you lose your shite when they are sneaking some vodka. Losing your cool with a teen that is doing stupid stuff is like bitching at the sun for rising.
0
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:46 am to Charlie Arglist
quote:You're sending the kid a mixed message. Either all of it is ok, or none of it is. But if you (as in "you, the parent, the adult") don't draw lines, why should he think there are limits?
Oh, he's also smoking weed and butt fricking any scank he can.
I'm actually OK with this....
This post was edited on 8/13/14 at 9:47 am
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:51 am to Charlie Arglist
My friends parents caught us drinking when we were 15. My parents were more disappointed than mad, which really stuck with me more than if they had gotten angry.
As I got older, they were less concerned about IF I was drinking and more about where I was/who was driving, and gave me enough rope to be free but if I fcked up that was it. Sure enough I came home one night too hammmered and got in trouble.
But by the time I was 18 they had given me more and more space to where I knew what was reasonable and they stopped having a problem with it.
Also the kids in our class with strict parents definitely went too crazy when they had freedoms, especially college.
As I got older, they were less concerned about IF I was drinking and more about where I was/who was driving, and gave me enough rope to be free but if I fcked up that was it. Sure enough I came home one night too hammmered and got in trouble.
But by the time I was 18 they had given me more and more space to where I knew what was reasonable and they stopped having a problem with it.
Also the kids in our class with strict parents definitely went too crazy when they had freedoms, especially college.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:52 am to wildtigercat93
quote:
I'd rather my hypothetical kids drink at my place under my supervision (maybe not 15 year olds but 16 for sure) and be able to make sure they don't do anything too stupid, than to make him fearful enough to lie about what he's doing and going.
So if your kid's friends drink at your home, are you planning to then drive them to their homes yourself? If they decide to drive back themselves and wreck the car or something, aren't you liable? Also what if the other kids' parents aren't okay with their child drinking at that age? Do you ask their permission first?
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:52 am to JawjaTigah
quote:
You're sending the kid a mixed message. Either all of it is ok, or none of it is. But if you (as in "you, the parent, the adult") don't draw lines, why should he think there are limits?
Yeah, I don't get that either. In the world we live in today, there are more consequences for smoking weed and sleeping around than drinking alcohol.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:55 am to wildtigercat93
quote:fwiw, allowing them to drink under your supervision isn't going to prevent them from doing it outside of your supervision.
Instead of being a nazi about my kid not drinking, I'd rather spend that energy in ensuring he does it responsibly and without driving drunk.
I'd rather my hypothetical kids drink at my place under my supervision (maybe not 15 year olds but 16 for sure) and be able to make sure they don't do anything too stupid, than to make him fearful enough to lie about what he's doing and going.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:57 am to Charlie Arglist
quote:
Charlie Arglist
Aren't you the one that started a thread a few weeks ago about being an alcoholic?
Posted on 8/13/14 at 9:59 am to mb810
quote:
My friends parents caught us drinking when we were 15. My parents were more disappointed than mad, which really stuck with me more than if they had gotten angry. As I got older, they were less concerned about IF I was drinking and more about where I was/who was driving, and gave me enough rope to be free but if I fcked up that was it. Sure enough I came home one night too hammmered and got in trouble. But by the time I was 18 they had given me more and more space to where I knew what was reasonable and they stopped having a problem with it. Also the kids in our class with strict parents definitely went too crazy when they had freedoms, especially college.
THIS.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:01 am to hikingfan
quote:
So if your kid's friends drink at your home, are you planning to then drive them to their homes yourself? If they decide to drive back themselves and wreck the car or something, aren't you liable? Also what if the other kids' parents aren't okay with their child drinking at that age? Do you ask their permission first?
No fricking shite. If a person is responsible enough to...
quote:
rather my hypothetical kids drink at my place under my supervision (maybe not 15 year olds but 16 for sure) and be able to make sure they don't do anything too stupid,
you think he/she wouldnt take that same mindset when having a party with other kids involved?
This post was edited on 8/13/14 at 10:01 am
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:10 am to dnm3305
quote:Just responding because people throwing around "hypocrite" erroneously is a pet peeve of mine. It is incorrect to label parenting as hypocrisy. Hypocrisy would be another kid blowing up at his kid for drinking while the first kid believed it was okay for he himself to drink.
Im not going to argue with you about the defintion of hypocritical. You cannot spin the defintion into something you want that makes sense to you to fit your agenda .
Learning from one's mistakes and trying to pass that knowledge and experience on to one's children is absolutely not hypocrisy and it is ridiculous to think that it is.
Sorry for the late ETA, but was pondering...
IF the OP was a drunk in front of his family, it would seem to be a type of hypocrisy as far as the responsibility element is concerned, but underage drinking involves other issues like legality and even the effects of drinking on a young developing brain vs an older person's brain.
This post was edited on 8/13/14 at 10:20 am
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:10 am to dnm3305
quote:
dnm3305
quote:
THIS
Interesting... I liked that post, too. I think we agree.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:11 am to USMCTiger03
quote:
Just responding because people throwing around "hypocrite" erroneously is a pet peeve of mine. It is incorrect to label parenting as hypocrisy. Hypocrisy would be another kid blowing up at his kid for drinking while the first kid believed it was okay for he himself to drink.
Learning from one's mistakes and trying to pass that knowledge and experience on to one's children is absolutely not hypocrisy and it is ridiculous to think that it is.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:19 am to USMCTiger03
quote:
Just responding because people throwing around "hypocrite" erroneously is a pet peeve of mine. It is incorrect to label parenting as hypocrisy. Hypocrisy would be another kid blowing up at his kid for drinking while the first kid believed it was okay for he himself to drink.
Learning from one's mistakes and trying to pass that knowledge and experience on to one's children is absolutely not hypocrisy and it is ridiculous to think that it is.
This is truth.
At the same time on another note, without getting to far into it, I don't think that blowing up at your kids and trying to rule with an iron fist is the way to be a parent and teach your kids anything, especially when they are teenagers. To some extent some lessons need to be learned on their own, and it is the only way they will ever really learn and develop their own opinions on things. Really, they are probably going to do it regardless of what you do. You can decide to either work with them or against them with it.
I'm not saying that is what you are saying. Just expanding on my own thoughts.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:26 am to Peazey
quote:
At the same time on another note, without getting to far into it, I don't think that blowing up at your kids and trying to rule with an iron fist is the way to be a parent and teach your kids anything, especially when they are teenagers. To some extent some lessons need to be learned on their own, and it is the only way they will ever really learn and develop their own opinions on things. Really, they are probably going to do it regardless of what you do. You can decide to either work with them or against them with it.
[For pre-teen and younger children] IMO, I think the reaction must fit the circumstances. If you "blow up" all the time, you are abusive and unpleasant and not effective. If you never (I mean never) blow up, you risk failing to reinforce where the line is drawn. You should rarely blow up, but there are times when it's something that really warrants immediate and strong attention.
For teenagers, it's different and more difficult and I think blowing up should be even more rarely used in lieu of clear and controlled discussion and repercussions. The reason for the difference is younger kids don't really get the clear and controlled discussion part and sometimes it's more effective to just hammer them to get the point across.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 10:39 am to USMCTiger03
Yeah, I think I pretty much agree with all of that.
The thing is that as teenagers it's time to start teaching them the more complicated parts of thinking like an adult. You have to least try to explain and learn from your experiences. Then give them some opportunity to use that guidance to make decisions. And of course they are going to frick up some.
That's the only way that people learn responsibility. You make a decision, suffer the consequences, then hopefully learn from the experience. At that age the parent can mostly offer guidance and try to prevent the frick ups from being too huge. Blowing up at the kids will only prevent them from going to the parent for guidance. Protecting them too much will only hinder them from learning responsibility.
That's how I see things at least.
The thing is that as teenagers it's time to start teaching them the more complicated parts of thinking like an adult. You have to least try to explain and learn from your experiences. Then give them some opportunity to use that guidance to make decisions. And of course they are going to frick up some.
That's the only way that people learn responsibility. You make a decision, suffer the consequences, then hopefully learn from the experience. At that age the parent can mostly offer guidance and try to prevent the frick ups from being too huge. Blowing up at the kids will only prevent them from going to the parent for guidance. Protecting them too much will only hinder them from learning responsibility.
That's how I see things at least.
Posted on 8/13/14 at 11:05 am to Peazey
quote:
That's how I see things at least.
And you are spot on. The problem is, some of the people in this thread believe that age 15 is too young to be able to learn and be trusted with responsibility. That hits at the very core of, "why is your kid not responsible enough at age 15 to begin with? Is it because they were coddled too much and had too many restrictions and rules applied on them?" At age 15, if you did your job as a parent and raised a responsible aspiring adult, trusting them to be repsonsible with alcohol on your terms should be ok.
This post was edited on 8/13/14 at 11:06 am
Posted on 8/13/14 at 12:30 pm to Peazey
quote:The basis for a decision should, however, include some parameters (boundaries, rules) by which said decision can be measured. If there is total parental abdication of setting up the parameters, there cannot be any expectation that a kid will even understand what "responsibility" means in any given situation. Unfortunately, parental abdication is not as uncommon these days as one might wish. In fact, a look around out there in public places, work places, in schools, hospitals, on roadways, in stores and restaurants, in places where people mingle and interact, will pretty much show how much parental abdication is having a negative impact on the upcoming generations. And has, for several generations. Hey, there ain't a whole lot of learning going' on. For too many people, being "responsible" means "don't get caught!" And if you get caught, raise hell, blame others, deny all accountability. What do we see on the news, on Judge Judy, in schools, etc. if not that?
That's the only way that people learn responsibility. You make a decision, suffer the consequences, then hopefully learn from the experience.
This post was edited on 8/13/14 at 12:41 pm
Posted on 8/13/14 at 12:36 pm to mb810
My parents were relatively relaxed when it came to my sister and my social life in high school.
I think they understood that they could not keep either of us under a microscope.
They each sat us down (eh, maybe around 15?) and essentially sad that they would not condone drinking at that age, but if we did, simply don't drive. Call or have a friend that was not drinking drive us home if we chose not to stay where we were.
They obviously cared for our safety, but were also realistic of what they could control and what they could not. The best way for them to control the situation was outline the consequences if we made stupid decisions while drinking.
I think they understood that they could not keep either of us under a microscope.
They each sat us down (eh, maybe around 15?) and essentially sad that they would not condone drinking at that age, but if we did, simply don't drive. Call or have a friend that was not drinking drive us home if we chose not to stay where we were.
They obviously cared for our safety, but were also realistic of what they could control and what they could not. The best way for them to control the situation was outline the consequences if we made stupid decisions while drinking.
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