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re: Joke thread: what are your best ones?
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:11 pm to stuntman
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:11 pm to stuntman
I ran into my friend Ben the other day and asked him where he got his Rolex. He said a Lesbian couple gave it to him for his birthday.
They asked him what he wanted. He said I wanna watch.
They asked him what he wanted. He said I wanna watch.
0
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:14 pm to fr33manator
The only difference between yo momma and a 747... Not everyone has ridden on a 747.
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:14 pm to fr33manator
A man and wife hadn't been intimate in years. One night the husband was incredibly horny so he coerced his wife into agreeing to make sex. Before she did it, she wanted to go to the bathroom to freshen up. As she got out of the bed, she tripped and fell face first in the floor. The husband said, "are you ok honey?" She replied, "yes, I'm fine." She took 3 more steps and fell again. He seemed genuinely concerned and asked her again, "are you sure you're ok honey?" To which she replied "yes I'm fine sweety." Then as she walked into the bathroom she stubbed her toe on the door and he said "Jesus, babe are you ok?" She assured him that she was. She eventually makes it back to bed and gives him the sex. She then gets out of the bed to go wipe the jizz off and trips and falls again and the husband goes, "you clumsy fricking bitch!"
This post was edited on 11/14/14 at 9:16 pm
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:16 pm to Michael J Cocks
Lolz
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:22 pm to Bushmaster
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "shite, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "shite, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:24 pm to Bushmaster
A ______, _______, and a _______ walk into a bar. The bartender says, "GET THE frick OUT!"
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:31 pm to Rebel
Dyke, Owllie and a Jew?
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:32 pm to Jim Rockford
A guy had a terrible accident and lost his penis. He's thinking this can't be a good thing, so he goes to a doctor for help. Doctor told him there wasn't much he could do and he'd have to learn to live without it.
Guy starts begging for help. "Please, doc. There must be something you can do. I can't go through life without a reason for living. Please!"
Doc says, "Well, there is a new experimental treatment that some have had success with, but there is no guarantee that it will work."
Guy: Tell me, Doc, I'll try anything!
Doc: Okay, the treatment involves replacing the missing schlong with a baby elephant's trunk. It's unconventional, for sure, but it just might work.
Guy: Oh, god... Okay, as weird as it sounds, I'll do it. I'm desperate.
So, the surgery is done, and he is now well-hung.
Sometime later, he takes a lady out on a dinner date.
During the course of their meal, something suddenly reaches out from under the table, grabs a roll, and disappears back under the table.
His date: What the hell was that?
Him: What?
Her: I just saw something come out from under the table and grab a roll! Wtf was it?
Him: I didn't see anything. Are you sure?
Her: I saw -something-, I'm sure of it. I don't know what. Maybe it was a reflection or something.
A short time later, it pops out again, grabs another roll, then disappears back under the table.
Her: Now, dammit! I know I saw it that time! What in the hell was that? Tell me!
At this point, he gives in and tells her the whole story. About the accident, the experimental treatment with the baby elephant's trunk and how it was embarrassing, etc.
Her: Oh, wow. You know, that is truly amazing. You really shouldn't be embarrassed at all. That's one of the coolest things I've ever heard, Kind of awesome, really.
As a matter of fact, do you think I could see it again?
Him: Well, I guess. I'm just not sure my arse can take another roll.
Guy starts begging for help. "Please, doc. There must be something you can do. I can't go through life without a reason for living. Please!"
Doc says, "Well, there is a new experimental treatment that some have had success with, but there is no guarantee that it will work."
Guy: Tell me, Doc, I'll try anything!
Doc: Okay, the treatment involves replacing the missing schlong with a baby elephant's trunk. It's unconventional, for sure, but it just might work.
Guy: Oh, god... Okay, as weird as it sounds, I'll do it. I'm desperate.
So, the surgery is done, and he is now well-hung.
Sometime later, he takes a lady out on a dinner date.
During the course of their meal, something suddenly reaches out from under the table, grabs a roll, and disappears back under the table.
His date: What the hell was that?
Him: What?
Her: I just saw something come out from under the table and grab a roll! Wtf was it?
Him: I didn't see anything. Are you sure?
Her: I saw -something-, I'm sure of it. I don't know what. Maybe it was a reflection or something.
A short time later, it pops out again, grabs another roll, then disappears back under the table.
Her: Now, dammit! I know I saw it that time! What in the hell was that? Tell me!
At this point, he gives in and tells her the whole story. About the accident, the experimental treatment with the baby elephant's trunk and how it was embarrassing, etc.
Her: Oh, wow. You know, that is truly amazing. You really shouldn't be embarrassed at all. That's one of the coolest things I've ever heard, Kind of awesome, really.
As a matter of fact, do you think I could see it again?
Him: Well, I guess. I'm just not sure my arse can take another roll.
This post was edited on 11/14/14 at 10:55 pm
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:33 pm to fr33manator
Worst joke thread ever.
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:34 pm to fr33manator
A black guy walks into a bar.....
Just kidding it was a prison.
There's a bear and a rabbit pooping beside each other and the bear asks the rabbit "Does it bother you when your fur is dirty with poop?" and the rabbit says no and the bear wipes himself with the rabbit
Just kidding it was a prison.
There's a bear and a rabbit pooping beside each other and the bear asks the rabbit "Does it bother you when your fur is dirty with poop?" and the rabbit says no and the bear wipes himself with the rabbit
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:43 pm to BRgetthenet
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Posted on 11/14/14 at 9:59 pm to fr33manator
quote:
What does 90 year old pussy taste like?
My imagination says it would be like finding an old baseball glove in grandma's attic and then dragging your tongue across the sweet spot where your grandpa rubbed in the glove oil.
This post was edited on 11/14/14 at 10:00 pm
Posted on 11/14/14 at 10:06 pm to JoeMoTiger
A kid was given an assignment in class to use the word contagious in a sentence.
On the way to school the next day the kid was panicking because he didn't have a sentence, and just then his father turned and saw a woman white washing a fence with a two inch brush and said,
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it will take that count ages to paint that fence!"
On the way to school the next day the kid was panicking because he didn't have a sentence, and just then his father turned and saw a woman white washing a fence with a two inch brush and said,
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it will take that count ages to paint that fence!"
Posted on 11/14/14 at 10:07 pm to WreckinRams05
quote:
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches
Short, simple, and easy to remember. I like it!
Posted on 11/14/14 at 10:16 pm to Cumulonimbus
A guy who is down on his luck with women seeks help from one of his buddies who is quite the ladies man. The buddy tell him "Listen, I to the bar, have a few drinks to loosen up a bit, pick out a girl on the dance floor and go up behind her and say 'your tits look nice in that sweater'. When she turns around and asks you what you said, you say "We're having some nice weather" and then keep the conversation going.
Down on his luck guy goes to the bar the next night to try this out. He sits down and has a few drinks, but can't loosen up. He has a few more drinks but still doesn't have the liquid courage he needs. He slams a few more shots and ends up shitfaced. Finally this is his time. He goes up to the prettiest girl on the dance floor and blurts out "STICK MY FINGER IN YOUR arse??!?!"
The woman whips around and says "What!?"
Guy responds "look at the frickin rain!"
Down on his luck guy goes to the bar the next night to try this out. He sits down and has a few drinks, but can't loosen up. He has a few more drinks but still doesn't have the liquid courage he needs. He slams a few more shots and ends up shitfaced. Finally this is his time. He goes up to the prettiest girl on the dance floor and blurts out "STICK MY FINGER IN YOUR arse??!?!"
The woman whips around and says "What!?"
Guy responds "look at the frickin rain!"
Posted on 11/14/14 at 10:18 pm to OldNo.7
quote:
A kid was given an assignment in class to use the word contagious in a sentence. On the way to school the next day the kid was panicking because he didn't have a sentence, and just then his father turned and saw a woman white washing a fence with a two inch brush and said, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it will take that count ages to paint that fence!"
I just threw down on a "Hail Mary" for ya after that one.
Posted on 11/14/14 at 10:23 pm to JoeMoTiger
Appreciate that brotha...always got it on deck
Posted on 11/14/14 at 10:46 pm to TigerFred
quote:
What did One gay sperm say to another? How do we find an egg in all of this shite?
Did you hear about the queer whale? bit the end off a submarine and sucked out all the seaman.
This post was edited on 11/14/14 at 10:47 pm
Posted on 11/15/14 at 5:13 am to fr33manator
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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