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Posted on 7/15/15 at 12:42 pm to ctiger69
quote:
Stay off of social media and message boards about the divorce. If she gets a lawyer he will do an internet search on you to find incriminating information. Go back and delete anything and everything you might have said that can be used against you.
I understand what you are saying or advising
I have nothing out there and would print this thread. I understand what you are saying but i have not and will not say something bad about her. Look I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
It likely is not happening I get that but if someone can learn one thing from this thread that saves their marriage it is worth it.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 12:45 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
quote:
i have not and will not say something bad about her. Look I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her
You got a row to hoe in front of you, brah.
Godspeed.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 12:49 pm to 19
Is op even still in this thread?
Posted on 7/15/15 at 12:51 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
quote:
I have nothing out there and would print this thread. I understand what you are saying but i have not and will not say something bad about her. Look I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Right there with you. Even after all I have gone through, I still want mine to work.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 1:01 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
serious question: have you admitted in this thread the possibility that maybe you have been an emotional bully to your wife with your anger and heated words and actions?
Posted on 7/15/15 at 1:03 pm to Spaceman Spiff
Even if both of you end up staying married, the trust you once had is now gone. You can build that back up but it will never be the same as before.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 1:27 pm to volnavy
quote:
Even if both of you end up staying married, the trust you once had is now gone. You can build that back up but it will never be the same as before.
Unfortunately that is the sad truth. It will take a while, but hopefully it can. Whenever she is on the dreaded FB, I still wonder. Can trust really be rebuilt? I would like to think so, but there has to be complete honesty and openness. With that comes time.
This whole thing is such a kick in the gut. I hope that my children don't have any affects from it.
Oh, and thanks Vol
This post was edited on 7/15/15 at 1:29 pm
Posted on 7/15/15 at 2:33 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
Bad place to be bro. Sorry to hear about it. If it makes you feel better (and I know it won't right now), I went through it 17 years ago after 3 kids and 17 years of marriage. Kids grow up and see how difficult their mother can be. Stay close to kids and remind them that there is NO SUCH THING as an EX-PARENT. Time heals.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 6:59 pm to putt1058
I went through a period where I wanted to do whatever I could to put things back together. However, when only one is interested in that, it's akin to pissing in the ocean.
Also, while there exceptions, most of the time when you attempt to salvage, all you wind up with IS salvage.
I thought my ex would be willing to work things out after being together 29 years, 27 of them married. I quickly learned that time didn't mean a damned thing to her. Most males will give some benefit of the doubt for old times sake - depending upon the offense. Females, when the switch flips, that motherfricker flips and is not going to unflip.
She may eventually realize her mistakes (if there were any) and start thinking about getting back together, but for some reason - usually pride and vanity - rarely makes a serious try.
Mine wouldn't these days when my daughter shows her pics of girls I go out with who are frequently at least ten years her junior.
Yes, her leaving you will leave a big hole in you and for a few years that hole is going to hurt like hell. It eventually heals over although there is scar tissue.
For serious relationships, the good females are generally cautious about getting into one with you until they can figure out where your head is at and whether or not you are over your ex. They don't want to share.
Also, while there exceptions, most of the time when you attempt to salvage, all you wind up with IS salvage.
I thought my ex would be willing to work things out after being together 29 years, 27 of them married. I quickly learned that time didn't mean a damned thing to her. Most males will give some benefit of the doubt for old times sake - depending upon the offense. Females, when the switch flips, that motherfricker flips and is not going to unflip.
She may eventually realize her mistakes (if there were any) and start thinking about getting back together, but for some reason - usually pride and vanity - rarely makes a serious try.
Mine wouldn't these days when my daughter shows her pics of girls I go out with who are frequently at least ten years her junior.
Yes, her leaving you will leave a big hole in you and for a few years that hole is going to hurt like hell. It eventually heals over although there is scar tissue.
For serious relationships, the good females are generally cautious about getting into one with you until they can figure out where your head is at and whether or not you are over your ex. They don't want to share.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 7:06 pm to damnedoldtigah
There are also times, due to our living longer, that relationships just simply run their course. When we're taking vows in our early 20's, I am not sure we really know what we're signing up for.
My own ex admitted that she probably married too young. What I concluded was that she married me out of rebellion to her parents, and because everyone else was doing it. I was actually in love with the girl. Things happen over time. Kids, hysterectomies, mid-life crisis, some of them still wanting the white house and fricking picket fence.
She tried to change me and found out she couldn't.
My own ex admitted that she probably married too young. What I concluded was that she married me out of rebellion to her parents, and because everyone else was doing it. I was actually in love with the girl. Things happen over time. Kids, hysterectomies, mid-life crisis, some of them still wanting the white house and fricking picket fence.
She tried to change me and found out she couldn't.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 7:13 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
OP, if you are overweight get ready because you are about to be skinny again.
#DivorceDiet
#DivorceDiet
Posted on 7/15/15 at 10:04 pm to Chad504boy
quote:
serious question: have you admitted in this thread the possibility that maybe you have been an emotional bully to your wife with your anger and heated words and actions?
Here is the sum total of what I said in this thread. I would publish these anywhere. Heck, I would send them to her attorney myself.
quote:
23 years of marriage in a what I thought was faithful, catholic marriage. 7 kids, 5 still at home, 4 are 9 and under.
Man this hurts more than anything I have ever felt. I can't believe this is where we are. Says she is afraid of me and I bully her. Never, ever raised a hand to her or even came close to doing so.
shite sucks.
23 years of marriage in a what I thought was faithful, catholic marriage. 7 kids, 5 still at home, 4 are 9 and under.
Man this hurts more than anything I have ever felt. I can't believe this is where we are. Says she is afraid of me and I bully her. Never, ever raised a hand to her or even came close to doing so.
shite sucks.
quote:
Been in counseling for 18 months. Every time the focus get too hot on her she decides to either change or has "scheduling" issues.
I pray my kids come out all right. Not too worried about me but can't bear to imagine their faces when they can't see daddy or mommy.
quote:
We have been having struggles with a lot of stuff and almost everything I say I bullying or mean or ugly according to her none of our friends see it that way.
She says I know what to change but refuse to. I am freaking clueless.
quote:
Yes and no. We are not formally separated but she has been in McKinney for a little while helping her mom with health issues and actually filed in Collin County Tx even though Harris county is out home.
quote:
Yeah outside of here I am not and even here I am just lamenting that it is happening. If I get hosed for publicly being sad so be it. I am publicly sad and privately sad.
quote:
Wow. When I hit enter on this thread I was prepared for a typical shite storm of crap from the OT. Granted a few posters did but most of you are being pretty to very decent.
A few points after reading through most of the points:
1) I have absolutely no doubt the children are all mine. I do not need to worry about paternity testing.
2) It has been about 36 hours and it still hurts. Some of the kids now know (the older one) and as you can imagine it has been very hard news for them to hear. My oldest (23) has said he may never talk to his mother again. I have tried to tell him that is not the attitude to have. He is upset because she left home mid-May to care for her sick mother which ends up looking like a ruse.
3) I am still trying to find the right attorney here in Houston, should have that worked out today. These people are expensive!
4) I agree with the posters who say to humble myself and try to save my marriage and even sitting here right now would do anything to do so. 23 years is a lot of time and growth and with our children I still can't imagine what life will be like "on the other side".
5) For those saying crude things about dating, sex, etc. That is not where I am headed or who I am. I will most likely live the rest of my life celibate and alone except when my kids are with me. I have never wanted or do I see wanting another person not her in my life.
6) For those with supportive comments, thank you!
7) For those of the stripe, please pray for a change of heart in all involved and especially for our children. They do not deserve any of what they are and are about to go through.
8) For those who wonder if I am 100% upfront all I can say is I tried to be. I can't o any more than that.
God Bless
quote:
I understand what you are saying or advising
I have nothing out there and would print this thread. I understand what you are saying but i have not and will not say something bad about her. Look I still love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.
It likely is not happening I get that but if someone can learn one thing from this thread that saves their marriage it is worth it.
Nothing there I am worried about. I am not bad mouthing her in any way.
On a different note I chose a divorce attorney today she is in the Woodlands near my office and seems darn good. She was extremely helpful about what I should expect, what not to hope for - pretty much a realist. One thing she did do was walk me through an exercise about choices that was extremely helpful. Pretty awesome actually. I plan to modify it and use it when I do M&A work going forward.
This post was edited on 7/15/15 at 10:09 pm
Posted on 7/15/15 at 10:08 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
God bless you man... I'm rooting for you and your family to pull through this
I'm having a rough time as well right now (not as serious as you) but the important thing is stay positive and only make well calculated moves right now
Stay strong man
I'm having a rough time as well right now (not as serious as you) but the important thing is stay positive and only make well calculated moves right now
Stay strong man
Posted on 7/15/15 at 10:11 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
This wasn't one of these deals where you and the wife just keep having kids while you are working all day, every day, and she stays home all these years and raises 7 kids .. is it ?
Posted on 7/15/15 at 10:23 pm to TigahRag
quote:
This wasn't one of these deals where you and the wife just keep having kids while you are working all day, every day, and she stays home all these years and raises 7 kids .. is it ?
Not sure what you are asking. She was a stay at home mom yes. There were many nights where I worked all day, came home cooked dinner, cleaned-up after word, bathed the kids and put them to bed while she relaxed.
We also tried to have regular date nights, time to talk (when we could we have 7 kids), etc. Not sure if that answers your question.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 11:08 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
One other thing. Don't put anything in writing that can be used against you. Pouring your heart out to her in writing will eventually end up in her attorney's hands.
Truly, I wish you nothing but the best of luck, coming from someone who has been there.
When you walk away from this, and take time to mourn and heal, you will slowly start redefining your life and be a hell of a lot more comfortable with the terms. Also, no one will ever be able to hurt you this bad again (you'll understand this better in about five years).
Finally, let's talk recovery time. Professional literature suggests a good rule of thumb to be one year for every five years married.
Good luck, buddy.
Truly, I wish you nothing but the best of luck, coming from someone who has been there.
When you walk away from this, and take time to mourn and heal, you will slowly start redefining your life and be a hell of a lot more comfortable with the terms. Also, no one will ever be able to hurt you this bad again (you'll understand this better in about five years).
Finally, let's talk recovery time. Professional literature suggests a good rule of thumb to be one year for every five years married.
Good luck, buddy.
Posted on 7/15/15 at 11:47 pm to SirWinston
quote:
quote:
5) For those saying crude things about dating, sex, etc. That is not where I am headed or who I am. I will most likely live the rest of my life celibate and alone except when my kids are with me. I have never wanted or do I see wanting another person not her in my life.
I feel like maybe if you changed your outlook on this that would be the surest way to guarantee that she comes back.... your confidence and self worth is probably more transparent than you think it is. If you really desire to be celibate the rest of your life that seems like a very passive and give up mentality that is not attractive to women
And not to pile on because you seem like a good dude but what kind of example is that setting for your kids? You're the victim in this but you need to rise up and live the rest of your life and the best way that you can
This. You have to move on like a businessman. You have to learn that what is in the past is in the past and can't be changed. It has no bearing on what is to come. Maybe she will come back, maybe she won't. It's your job to be an example for your kids, and that includes living your life normally. Going celibate, etc is giving your person over to the control of another human being. You are admitting that she is your entire life, and yes, that plays a part in how she sees you.
The minute you understand and accept that she's not your life, the quicker she will respect you. She may fight against accepting that herself, but there's nothing she will be able to do about it. You WILL suddenly become far more attractive in her eyes, but that's not the point or the goal.
Grab "The Heart of the Soul" and read up. Pretty damn good book that explains feelings and emotion, as long as you first read it with YOU in the microscope. It's easy to look at and analyze others(her) while you read, but you have to do your own homework before you can begin to understand others. It will absolutely help.
If you've hit the point of no return, she is now an acquaintance. She is to be dealt with professionally and as a business. She will push your buttons and pull your heart out and stomp on it, but you have to learn that the emotion isn't real... and do what is in your best interest and that of your kids. Appreciate the good times and memories you had, and don't give a shite about the bad. What lies ahead lies ahead, and the only way to effectively navigate that is to deal with NOW. You will be single again, and a future girlfriend may or may not be your current wife. The sooner you appreciate yourself and drop the "she's my life and I don't want anybody but her" attitude, the sooner you will have her respect and the respect of others.
Best of luck. Get the book and read up... now. It will help navigate this with a bigger steering wheel and rudder.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 12:52 am to SoulGlo
I know you probably have not really said anything you feel is wrong in this thread but I would stop posting ASAP. Everything you say or have said on TD can and probably will be used against you in the divorce proceedings.
This post was edited on 7/16/15 at 12:54 am
Posted on 7/16/15 at 1:08 am to Mid Iowa Tiger
Have you spoken with her since the initial conversation?
Is she staying at her parents?
Who is caring for your children while you are working?
If she is at her parents, has she, in effect, abandoned you and her children?
Sorry to be a little unclear on some of the details. Nothing I have read from you seems to indicate you are a bully or a closet dickhead. Good luck mon frer.
Is she staying at her parents?
Who is caring for your children while you are working?
If she is at her parents, has she, in effect, abandoned you and her children?
Sorry to be a little unclear on some of the details. Nothing I have read from you seems to indicate you are a bully or a closet dickhead. Good luck mon frer.
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