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Message
re: Just got served divorce papers today
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:10 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:10 pm to Mid Iowa Tiger
Serious advice that many will shun here, but hopefully it helps:
CCC 2386
There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.
So, divorce is still discouraged by the church or more depending on the circumstances--and those circumstances are going to vary a lot from person to person. I would highly suggest talking to a priest about this. We on the internet will be able to give you some good general advice, but a priest can go into your specific situation and give you specific ways to move forward.
My other input would be that nothing is beyond God. It may feel like you should never be happy again or should never be forgiven, but that's not the case. There is always hope. You may not be able to be married again (this would depend on the advice of your priest regarding an annulment as well as the actual annulment proceedings), but you are not beyond forgiveness and you are not beyond being happy again.
CCC 2386
There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.
So, divorce is still discouraged by the church or more depending on the circumstances--and those circumstances are going to vary a lot from person to person. I would highly suggest talking to a priest about this. We on the internet will be able to give you some good general advice, but a priest can go into your specific situation and give you specific ways to move forward.
My other input would be that nothing is beyond God. It may feel like you should never be happy again or should never be forgiven, but that's not the case. There is always hope. You may not be able to be married again (this would depend on the advice of your priest regarding an annulment as well as the actual annulment proceedings), but you are not beyond forgiveness and you are not beyond being happy again.
1
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:13 pm to Moustache
quote:
Do not sign the papers.
If you do not sign the papers, won't the ruling be in favor of the one who served? I believe that I read somewhere that the receiver has so many days to sign and if they aren't signed, it kind of goes as uncontested and the divorce is settled per the papers. Or is that a Georgia thing, or am I wrong?
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:15 pm to Spaceman Spiff
quote:
If you do not sign the papers, won't the ruling be in favor of the one who served? I believe that I read somewhere that the receiver has so many days to sign and if they aren't signed, it kind of goes as uncontested and the divorce is settled per the papers. Or is that a Georgia thing, or am I wrong?
I have no clue, but it's clear from Moustache's last post that he's only concerned with the Catholic Church-related ramifications, which have zero to do with the legal ramifications.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:22 pm to Moustache
quote:
I would highly suggest talking to a priest about this.
With all due respect to my Catholic friends and family.....I have never understood how someone could seek marital advice from a Priest. I certainly understand seeking personal and spiritual advice but not advice on raising a child and navigating the inevitable storms of marriage.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:32 pm to captainahab
quote:
With all due respect to my Catholic friends and family.....I have never understood how someone could seek marital advice from a Priest. I certainly understand seeking personal and spiritual advice but not advice on raising a child and navigating the inevitable storms of marriage.
You seek advice as to what the church teaching is on certain difficulties, but for martial relationship issues and other things, counselors are the better route.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:34 pm to Mo Jeaux
quote:
I have no clue, but it's clear from Moustache's last post that he's only concerned with the Catholic Church-related ramifications, which have zero to do with the legal ramifications.
this. I'm not sure of the legal aspect of things. I just wouldn't sign it until he talks to a lawyer and his priest to get a full gravity of the situation.
Maybe she will agree to counseling to reconcile. Maybe civil divorce is necessary. I don't know. That's all I meant.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 2:35 pm to mikelbr
quote:
you do realize one of the most respected family lawyers in BR is a woman, right?
Sylvia Roberts recently died. The mention of her name gave most male attorneys shrinkage.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 8:01 pm to LSU9102
quote:
Here's a question to the experienced ones.
quote:
Do you get a lawyer before hand to play it safe even though you are not looking for divorce with wife?
My ex told me she wanted a divorce one night, and the next morning I was in my lawyer's office. If it could have been put back together, no problem. However, I heard way too many inconsistencies the night before, had a lot to lose financially, and was not about to take any chances. I had two kids looking at going to college within a few years, and I was not going to let the resources to put them through get pissed away because someone had a mid-life crisis and made some very bad decisions. I felt I needed to stay focused on their futures, which I did. My last one is graduating with an accounting degree in December. As my responsibilities to them have lightened, I have taken more time to focus on some of my needs.
I think the thing that galled me more than her leaving me was that she didn't give a flying frick about our kids, which made custody a slam dunk (not to mentioned that the kids were hurt and wanted to live with me). My daughter wasn't about to even entertain the idea of living with her mother as they both constantly fought like two bitches in heat, and instead of being the adult/parent, the mother wound up on the same level as the adolescent daughter. I had lost count how many times I had to get between them, and I never could get the ex to understand that dynamic and how damaging it was.
The night the kids were told we were divorcing, I asked the ex to leave the house for a couple of hours so that I could meet with the kids and reassure them that there was still a family and home for them, and that I would never forsake them.
The ex was a horrible liar, and acted like she had no place to go, when mysteriously she had a place within 48 hours. I ran through the finances and to this day still don't know how she skimmed the money without my catching it. It makes you feel stupid that you're busting you arse bringing home the living, and this a-hole was probably skimming a little cash here and there over the course of nine months. However, I immediately took steps to make sure such will not happen again. There will NEVER be a joint account with anyone I live with again in this life time.
Funny thing happened after she moved out. There was a peace and calm in the house that hadn't been there in a long time. The kids ceased the usual fighting almost immediately; the kids flipped a coin over her parking spot; and the dog laid claim to what used to be her side of the bed. I was somewhat taken aback that the ex was actually that disruptive of an influence. I just hadn't realized it until then.
Since the kids were older, yet still underage at the time, I took some additional time with each of them, took each of them on an out-of-town outing of their choice, and spent plenty of quality time talking things through. It was a good move.
It's taken a number of years, but life has been slowly returning to normal; perhaps a new, defined "normal" for everyone, but still normal. I think that one of the bigger mistakes we make is our expectations that we are going to make everything like it once was and do it quick. When we do that, we set ourselves up for disappointment. When we acknowledge that things are changed forever and that we need to take time to reconnect with ourselves as well as steadily and realistically re-define how we want to live our lives - things work better, and we finally emerge from what has been an emotional hell. I not sure you ever get over it, but with work you can move beyond it. You do have to learn at some point to forgive (yourself included) and then let go.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 8:03 pm to jchamil
quote:
I am pretty ignorant about tracks left on the internet, but wouldn't the wife need to know the husband posted here to find this stuff?
Nothing that a google search can't reveal.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 8:11 pm to jvilletiger25
quote:
I've been divorced for a year, and separated for 2 prior to making it official. The only advice I have to tell you is, don't lose yourself and remember to keep your kids first. Also, women these days are straight up players. Don't be afraid to love again, but protect your heart. You don't need to be fed anymore bullshite than you already have, but these females don't care. Spend some guy time with your friends, cry that shite out when you feel you need to, and don't let your ex cloud your self worth.
Damned good advice. I have gotten burned a couple of times in my search for another lady. I have learned to back up and learn from the experience in hopes of having better luck in the future. It's a long road back. I may get there one day, I may not. I am willing to acknowledge that. Life seems to redefine itself gradually. I just know that I will be ok and not to worry about how the ex is living. After all, she's now the ex.
One other comment about the crying and emotional suffering; we normally go through these things when we lose someone we care so much about. There was a time that I would have died for that woman. Never again.
Posted on 7/16/15 at 8:35 pm to damnedoldtigah
quote:
I ran through the finances and to this day still don't know how she skimmed the money without my catching it. It makes you feel stupid that you're busting you arse bringing home the living, and this a-hole was probably skimming a little cash here and there over the course of nine months. However, I immediately took steps to make sure such will not happen again. There will NEVER be a joint account with anyone I live with again in this life time.
Yep I could only pinpoint 1/2 of our tax return but then I discovered that the amount of missing money was the exact amount of her last dentist bill since it was supposed to pay for a vacation but only 1/2 went towards the vacation. Then I also wondered where some of my 401k went from a previous job since I was getting 2 pay checks and she was still getting 1. So I had a friend who is a PI and a friend who is a wiz with computers to track down where it went. I learned that it's better to live and learn from this experience.
Posted on 7/17/15 at 12:16 am to bulldog95
quote:
I learned that it's better to live and learn from this experience.
No shite! I couldn't agree more.
About a month prior to the breakup, mine even had the gall to tell me that while talking with her girlfriends, she didn't care how much I worked or how she lived as long as she had someone paying the tab. Another red flag starting going up the pole along with her infatuation with ministers she worked for (at a church we were not attending). They eventually got her to join, with hopes of dragging the rest of the family in - which was not going to happen.
Yet, I just couldn't grasp the whole picture of what was happening, or perhaps didn't want to; hell, we'd been together 29 years and married 27. I can't begin to say how stupid I felt in the beginning, and as time went on that feeling turned into a feeling of betrayal and all of the hurt and anger that went with it.
She evidently fricked three male ministers and then got into a relationship with a female minister - all but one which had been her supervisor at one time or another. I didn't know all of that until the PI report came back.
To boot, she decided to file a tax return on her own even after we had been advised by both attorney's to file jointly for our last year together. She wanted all of the money to take a vacation trip to the Middle East. When I went to file, she wouldn't sign off, indicating that she had filed as a single head of household (which was bogus as hell). Imagine my surprise when I filed, got audited, and got a tax bill in excess of $30G (no shite). My attorney got his brother who was a CPA, ran through my tax situation, and got on the horn with the IRS to review things. I got off the hook for the bill. However, she is still in deep shite with them to this day. While I will never recoop the money she made off with, there is a justice in knowing that she is getting dogged by the IRS for something she did out of pure selfishness without regard to the potential consequences it might have on someone else. As a result, she will be making monthly installments to those boys for a long time. Funny thing, she actually had the audacity to contact me several weeks ago requesting a loan. My reply to her was that my first and only focus was on helping one kid get out of college and helping the other one with some medical bills ...... and moreover, she wasn't willing to offer anything tangible for collateral. She sheepishly faded back out of my life. It just hit me one more time that the only thing she cared about was what she could get out of me - nothing more, nothing less.
By the time most marriages break up, they have been dead for awhile and most are not going to come back.
As for the church. Damn. The only words I heard was "rely on God". I could have cared less about some fricking platitude. I needed some tangible advice. All the church was interested in was what else I could give them in terms of time and money. I finally told them to frick off. Time with my kids came first and foremost. Not to knock anyone's faith, but I just found it highly interesting how the church is going to meet its means and could give a shite less as to who it steps on to get to where it wants. I even switched denominations, but that really didn't help. I just can't bring myself trust a church anymore.
I stayed on anti-depressants for several years, and did eventually go into therapy, and that helped a lot. I finally got off the anti-depressants a little over 18 mos. ago. Again, it's a long journey. I have learned to forgive myself (no divorce is exclusively the fault of one party; both parties contribute to the demise of the relationship until it just spirals out of control). I have made great progress on forgiving my ex for her deceptions, lies, etc. That said, I sure as hell won't forget what happened and how I felt afterwards, and will be on my guard in the future. Finally, I had to learn to let go. My ex sent a message through one of the kids (as many do) that she was thinking about moving back to this state after the guy she is currently living with dies. I sent a message back. The physical address I live at should NEVER be considered by her as an option.
One last cute one before I call it a night. About almost two years ago, she had dropped by my house to pick up something that was hers. The dog she had raised as a puppy had literally roamed the hallway for almost six months looking for her after she moved out. The dog acted like she wanted to go out and meet her "mother" so I let her. The dog came within 10 to 12 feet of her with tail wagging and then the tail stopped wagging, ears pinned back, she growled at her, and went back into the house. The look on my ex's face was so fricking priceless. Talk about a victory moment, that was one of them.
Oh, by the way, get a copy of the movie "The Descendants". You'll understand why after watching.
Posted on 7/17/15 at 6:52 am to damnedoldtigah
quote:
Nothing that a google search can't reveal.
If she knew his screen name...
Posted on 7/17/15 at 7:39 am to Mid Iowa Tiger
quote:
quote: This wasn't one of these deals where you and the wife just keep having kids while you are working all day, every day, and she stays home all these years and raises 7 kids .. is it ?
Not sure what you are asking. She was a stay at home mom yes. There were many nights where I worked all day, came home cooked dinner, cleaned-up after word, bathed the kids and put them to bed while she relaxed.
Didn't you say in an older thread about moving that she homeschooled your kids? If that's still the case, how will this situation affect the kids' schooling? I'm asking this because you may need to scramble to find schools for them next month.
Posted on 7/17/15 at 8:13 am to damnedoldtigah
(no message)
This post was edited on 9/21/15 at 9:03 am
Posted on 7/17/15 at 9:51 am to damnedoldtigah
quote:
she didn't care how much I worked or how she lived as long as she had someone paying the tab
WTF? I'm female and yes, I have my faults BUT I do tell my husband THANK YOU for busting his arse so that I can work on contract basis to be able to care for our kids. Don't tell him daily but I do say it quite often. What the heck is wrong with people???
Posted on 7/17/15 at 10:06 am to meauxjeaux2
quote:
mine has a few more whacky turns in it which i will reveal in good time.
Right there with ya on that one...
Posted on 7/17/15 at 12:07 pm to meauxjeaux2
quote:
Just wanted to let you know i appreciate your in depth look into how fricked up a woman can be.
Just offering my experiences (and mistakes) on the topic.
There is an interesting book out there called "Crazy Time". Go hunt it up on Amazon and get a copy. The author is female, but what she writes could apply to either gender. The more you read the book, the more you relate like she is telling at least some of your story. At the end of the book you learn that she has been through a divorce as well. Should be able to go through it in a weekend. It helps validate your feelings and at least some of your experiences, and lets you know that you are not the only one going through this hell.
There are times that I think we ought to have a separate message board on here for divorce. So many seem to go through it. I remember the days when a divorce was not so easy to get in this state.
That said, I also did not think I would be single at this age (60). It took me a few years of fighting things within and trying to jam square pegs into round holes, figuratively speaking, before I realized that all I was doing was creating a growing frustration.
It was only when I stepped back from the situation and realized that the only way I was going to have a life would be to take stock of what I had going for me and against me, try to improve on those things I could, and accept the stuff I couldn't change, that things started taking a turn for the better.
As I indicated before, since I was the one who was the single parent, I put my kids' needs before my own. Once I got them on their own, I turned my attention to myself. I realized that losing a little weight was a good idea, not only to attract the kind of female I wanted, but so that I could enjoy better health in my retirement. Slowly, I noticed life redefining itself in a good way, but that took about six years to get there.
Sometimes we try too hard and wind up making the same mistakes we made before. I also learned that I probably needed to look at different venues for meeting women. The on-line thing didn't work for me, and the bar scene wasn't such a good idea either.
So I am learning to live my life on terms that I can be at peace with, and should I run into the right lady - fantastic. If not, I'll be disappointed, but there are worse things.
Posted on 7/17/15 at 12:30 pm to tiger91
quote:
I do tell my husband THANK YOU for busting his arse so that I can work on contract basis to be able to care for our kids
It is so cool that you are that thoughtful. Mine never did. She worked at a piss ant at a small church 20 hrs a week for slightly above minimum wage. She could have done much better, given that she had a college degree.
Looking at what was on the horizon for the kids (i.e. college, perhaps weddings), I sat down with her and tried to discuss some options to not only improve our quality of life as a couple and a family, but to do our part to help the kids through college so that they would hopefully have a better chance. She balked at everything, and would not offer any solutions. When I asked her where she wanted to family to be in terms of life within the next three years, her reply was that she couldn't think that deep. I was floored.
Finally, I decided that in order to move things along I was simply going to have to take on more work. I indicated to her that the division of responsibilities were going to have to change in terms of what we were doing within the family. If I was going to be working almost 70 hr a week, which I did, she was going to have to take care of the house and yard. I worked my arse off but made it a point to be home in time for the kids' bedtime so that I could talk with each of them.
When I came in, the house was usually a wreck, nothing had been cooked for the kids, laundry was piling up, and that bitch was laying on the couch watching TV. I offered to hire a maid. She balked at the idea. I remember a couple of times where I literally had to get garbage bags to put all of the dirty clothes in and go the washerteria (sp) so that I could "mass wash and dry".
Then she got on this travel kick, which made me very suspicious.
When she made the comment about the marriage not being so bad as long as someone (i.e., me) was footing the bill, I got pissed.
I kept trying to talk to her about how our marriage needed to be a partnership. It bounced off her head.
We had some good years together, but those last five or six were a walk down the road to hell.
But in terms of her thanking me for the arse busting? Never happened.
I practically worked myself to death and paid for it in terms of health consequences. I have slowly but surely gotten that back, and don't have to work nearly as much these days.
Seriously, I was young and stupid when I married, and there's a part of me that wishes I would have never met her. However, we have two kids that I truly love and will do anything within reason for them, so it was not a total loss.
Are there some decent women out there who know the meaning of the word "love" and know what it takes to make a relationship work? I am sure there are. Most of them seem to be taken. In fact, I have a dear friend who I constantly remind her of how lucky her husband is to have a mate like her. She's been there for him - thick and thin, when some would have cut and ran. Those men are just so luck to have that level of faithfulness from someone.
In my case I am simply still searching.
Posted on 7/17/15 at 12:34 pm to meauxjeaux2
quote:
i have really been enjoying your posts.
Thank you. By sharing, hopefully I can be of at least a little help. The other thing I learned was that by offering a little help to others who are perhaps going through worse than what I did, I help myself a bit as well.
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