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Started By
Message
Today's jokes
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:01 am
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:01 am
Q: What do frozen beer, burned pizza and a pregnant woman have in common?
A: Someone who was late pulling out.
Q: What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?
A: A pillow fight.
A: Someone who was late pulling out.
Q: What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with pieces of cardboard?
A: A pillow fight.
8
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:05 am to foshizzle
Divorce lawyer called Mickey Mouse and said, “You can’t divorce Minnie Mouse just because she is crazy”. Mickey replied, “I didnt say she was crazy. I said she was fricking Goofy”.
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:08 am to foshizzle
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:41 am to foshizzle
Confucius says "Man who keeps hand in pocket feels cocky all day."
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:44 am to TypoKnig
quote:
Divorce lawyer called Mickey Mouse and said, “You can’t divorce Minnie Mouse just because she is crazy”. Mickey replied, “I didnt say she was crazy. I said she was fricking Goofy”.
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:46 am to L1C4
A women went into labor and started shouting "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
The Dr yells back "Don't worry! Those are just contractions!"
The Dr yells back "Don't worry! Those are just contractions!"
Posted on 4/15/18 at 9:47 am to OweO
quote:
Those are just contractions!"
:rimshot:
Posted on 4/15/18 at 10:51 am to foshizzle
Posted on 4/15/18 at 10:59 am to Pepe Lepew
What does an Ethiopian use for a hula-hoop?
A Cheerio
How do you get an Ethiopian pregnant?
Cum on her foot and let the flies do the rest.
A Cheerio
How do you get an Ethiopian pregnant?
Cum on her foot and let the flies do the rest.
Posted on 4/15/18 at 11:02 am to foshizzle
Not a joke but a funny true story
Guy that works for us wife told him to go to the store and get some of those pills that make his dick hard.
So he went and bought diet pills and gave them to her
Did not go over well
Guy that works for us wife told him to go to the store and get some of those pills that make his dick hard.
So he went and bought diet pills and gave them to her
Did not go over well
Posted on 4/15/18 at 11:02 am to Martini
quote:
Martini
Pillowbiter
Posted on 4/15/18 at 11:08 am to Martini
I always like asking people
"You ever tried Ethiopian food?"
"No"
Lol "neither have they"
"You ever tried Ethiopian food?"
"No"
Lol "neither have they"
Posted on 4/15/18 at 11:41 am to deltaland
Two nuns were walking through the park.
Two men jumped out from behind the bushes and began to rape the nuns. One nun looks up to the heaven and says,
“forgive them father for they know not what they do.”
The other nun yells out.
“This one does.”
~~~~~
A little girl came to her mom and said the boys at school keep asking me to do cartwheels the mom said stop that they just want to see your under panties the next day the little girl came to her mom again and said they asked me to do cartwheels again and I did the mom said I told you they just want to see your under panties she said fooled them I didn't wear any
~~~~
OK I have one more that I think is the funniest joke I ever heard. The lil johnny joke of course
There was everyone sitting at their desk when the teacher asks, Who can tell me what part of the body goes into heaven first after we die.
Little Amy raises her hand and with that brainy look , she says, I KNOW THIS ANSWER, and she says, its the hands because we put our hands together to pray and raise our hands to the heavens,
The kid next to her says NO, you dont put your hands above your head when you pray, So its your head that goes first,
Then Lil Johnny stands up and he is on a mission to speak. So with hesitation the teacher says, OK Johnny, what part goes to heaven first? And Lil Johnny says, I know its their FEET, because I heard my Mom and Dad in the bedroom making all kinds of moans, and my Mon must have been dieing, because she kept screaming real loud, OH GOD IM COMING , YES JESUS I AM COMING, so I peeked into the room by the crack of the door, and YEP, I saw my Moms feet, and they were heading staight up to the heavens, and I TELL YOU WHAT, If My Dad wasn't on top of her holding her down she would have gone right then and there too!!!!
~~~~
One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied, "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam, and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and exclaimed "Wow, Lord! That was great!! What next?" God declared, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam asks, "Lord what is caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and declared, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next?" God replied, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam asked "Lord, what is make love?" God explained it; Adam took Eve behind the bush -- and a few seconds later, came out, asking, "Lord, what is a headache?"
~~~~
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He is in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
~~~~
So a teenage boy goes into a confessional and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
From the other side of the partition, the voice of the priest comes back, “Is that you young Pat MacNamara?”
“Yes father.”
“And who was this girl you committed this sin with?”
“I cannot say father, I don’t want to sully her reputation.”
The priest asks “Was it Mary O’Reilly?”
“I cannot say father.”
“Was it Betsy Moignahan?”
“I won’t tell.”
“Was it Bridget McDowell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Agnes O’Toole?”
“I will not say.”
“Kathy MacDougal?”
“I am sorry Father, but I refuse to speak her name.”
“Well son, it is admirable that you won’t say it, but I’m afraid you cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Go and sin no more.”
He leaves the confession and his buddy in the pew asks him “so what did you get?”
He says,
“4 months off and 5 good leads.”
Two men jumped out from behind the bushes and began to rape the nuns. One nun looks up to the heaven and says,
“forgive them father for they know not what they do.”
The other nun yells out.
“This one does.”
~~~~~
A little girl came to her mom and said the boys at school keep asking me to do cartwheels the mom said stop that they just want to see your under panties the next day the little girl came to her mom again and said they asked me to do cartwheels again and I did the mom said I told you they just want to see your under panties she said fooled them I didn't wear any
~~~~
OK I have one more that I think is the funniest joke I ever heard. The lil johnny joke of course
There was everyone sitting at their desk when the teacher asks, Who can tell me what part of the body goes into heaven first after we die.
Little Amy raises her hand and with that brainy look , she says, I KNOW THIS ANSWER, and she says, its the hands because we put our hands together to pray and raise our hands to the heavens,
The kid next to her says NO, you dont put your hands above your head when you pray, So its your head that goes first,
Then Lil Johnny stands up and he is on a mission to speak. So with hesitation the teacher says, OK Johnny, what part goes to heaven first? And Lil Johnny says, I know its their FEET, because I heard my Mom and Dad in the bedroom making all kinds of moans, and my Mon must have been dieing, because she kept screaming real loud, OH GOD IM COMING , YES JESUS I AM COMING, so I peeked into the room by the crack of the door, and YEP, I saw my Moms feet, and they were heading staight up to the heavens, and I TELL YOU WHAT, If My Dad wasn't on top of her holding her down she would have gone right then and there too!!!!
~~~~
One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied, "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam, and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and exclaimed "Wow, Lord! That was great!! What next?" God declared, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam asks, "Lord what is caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and declared, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next?" God replied, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam asked "Lord, what is make love?" God explained it; Adam took Eve behind the bush -- and a few seconds later, came out, asking, "Lord, what is a headache?"
~~~~
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He is in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
~~~~
So a teenage boy goes into a confessional and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
From the other side of the partition, the voice of the priest comes back, “Is that you young Pat MacNamara?”
“Yes father.”
“And who was this girl you committed this sin with?”
“I cannot say father, I don’t want to sully her reputation.”
The priest asks “Was it Mary O’Reilly?”
“I cannot say father.”
“Was it Betsy Moignahan?”
“I won’t tell.”
“Was it Bridget McDowell?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Agnes O’Toole?”
“I will not say.”
“Kathy MacDougal?”
“I am sorry Father, but I refuse to speak her name.”
“Well son, it is admirable that you won’t say it, but I’m afraid you cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Go and sin no more.”
He leaves the confession and his buddy in the pew asks him “so what did you get?”
He says,
“4 months off and 5 good leads.”
This post was edited on 4/15/18 at 11:45 am
Posted on 4/15/18 at 11:46 am to fr33manator
Confucius say "He who cut fart in church, sit in pew".
Posted on 4/15/18 at 11:48 am to ddbnsb
Two nuns at a convent commit a sin. So they go to the Mother Superior and she tells the two nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So they go to the room and are trying to figure out how to paint a whole room without getting paint anywhere.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then they here a knock again.
"It's the Blind Man."
Then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in,
Takes a look around and says,
"Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
So they go to the room and are trying to figure out how to paint a whole room without getting paint anywhere.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then they here a knock again.
"It's the Blind Man."
Then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in,
Takes a look around and says,
"Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
This post was edited on 4/15/18 at 11:49 am
Posted on 4/15/18 at 12:00 pm to ddbnsb
Confucius say, "Lady who fly upside down have crack up."
Posted on 4/16/18 at 8:11 am to geaux88
quote:
Confucius say, "Lady who fly upside down have crack up."
Confucius says man who sleep with itchy butthole wake up with smelly fingers.
Posted on 4/16/18 at 8:49 am to foshizzle
Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'sweet'?"
Darla says, "s-w-e-e-t, sweet."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is sweet."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
He responds, "Darla says my dictate like chocolate!"
Darla says, "s-w-e-e-t, sweet."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is sweet."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
He responds, "Darla says my dictate like chocolate!"
Posted on 4/16/18 at 8:50 am to foshizzle
Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the old Polish Navy.
=====
A German general and an Italian general are observing a battle against the British in North Africa. The Italian general notices that the German general is wearing a crimson red coat.
"General, why-a are you-a wearing the red-a coat? Won't it-a make-a it easier for the-a enemy to-a see you?"
The German turned and said "I vear the red coat so if I am vounded, my men vill not notice ze blood, and vill not panic."
The Italian thinks about this for a moment and decides it is a good idea, so he turns to his aid and says
"Giuseppe, bring-a me my-a brown pants!"
=====
Why do pigeons fly upside down over Rome?
Nothing worth shitting on.
So they can see the old Polish Navy.
=====
A German general and an Italian general are observing a battle against the British in North Africa. The Italian general notices that the German general is wearing a crimson red coat.
"General, why-a are you-a wearing the red-a coat? Won't it-a make-a it easier for the-a enemy to-a see you?"
The German turned and said "I vear the red coat so if I am vounded, my men vill not notice ze blood, and vill not panic."
The Italian thinks about this for a moment and decides it is a good idea, so he turns to his aid and says
"Giuseppe, bring-a me my-a brown pants!"
=====
Why do pigeons fly upside down over Rome?
Nothing worth shitting on.
This post was edited on 4/16/18 at 8:54 am
Posted on 4/16/18 at 9:08 am to foshizzle
It makes sense that marijuana is now being prescribed for arthritis. Arthritis is inflammation of joints after all.
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