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re: Fathers that always look at the negatives; never give praise
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:22 am to fr33manator
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:22 am to fr33manator
Are you a Cancer/June by chance?
0
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:23 am to fr33manator
quote:
I mean I love my dad, but I don't like him, because he just doesn't like me.
He’s probably upset that you’re gay and a poet.
I’m kidding.
My dad and I have a complicated relationship. Alcoholic all his life and also battled (undiagnosed) depression several times. Growing up, he had a great sales job with an expense account and was always buying people dinners, the life of the party, etc. Then when I was in high school he lost that job and has struggled ever since…both financially and socially with not being confident and the life of the party anymore. And for about ten years he sort of holed up in his apartment and lost touch with a lot of his friends because in his mind they loved him because of his job status and all of that. He was completely wrong, of course, but that’s how he felt. So he backed away and almost became a recluse to a certain extent. And his drinking got bad and ended up with me stopping by his apartment in HS and him going off on me and eventually telling me he didn’t love me anymore. My whole life he’s always told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, always bragged about me to everyone who would listen, and all that, so I knew he didn’t mean it. But it was brutal to hear. And I was a senior in HS so I was old enough to handle it, but it’s something that I will literally never forget and ever since that night I look at him differently than I did before that night. That’s been over 25 years now and it is something I will remember very vividly until I die. And sadly, it’s a part of him I will never get back and don’t even want back honestly.
Ever since having my son, I’m hard on him/stern, but I always tell him how proud of him I am and how much I love him. And I always play with him and try to be involved and engaged with him, because I know there’s gonna come a day when he won’t want to anymore (and I won’t handle that well
). But I damn sure can guarantee that no matter what is going on in my life, I will never ever tell him something like my dad told me. And having a kid of my own now, I’m not sure how he was even capable of saying that shite. So in a weird way, I appreciate my dad for showing me what I will never do to my own son. I’ll always love my dad, but I also deep down resent him for it and have never fully forgiven him for what he said. And I don’t think I ever will. And sadly, I’m actually okay with that.
This post was edited on 8/13/24 at 7:11 am
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:25 am to BoogaBear
Dad was a heavy drinker until I was in HS. He wasn’t a mean drunk, would just put on the radio, kick back, and drink. His first drink he was funny and present, 2nd drink was a 50/50, 3rd and 4th it was like he no longer knew we were his family. Sober, an unbelievably funny and loving man. He’s in his mid 70s and we have a good relationship
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:27 am to BurningHeart
My dad gave zero fricks , he was Mr positive and always up for a good laugh.
My mom was a school teacher and the one we feared, she never gave much praise.
My mom was a school teacher and the one we feared, she never gave much praise.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:36 am to fr33manator
quote:
He's not a bad man by any stretch, but he his a mean man, and it drives everyone who cares about him away. It sucks. Makes me never want to be that way for my kids
My great-grandfather was a bootlegger that drank and beat my grandfather and his brothers.
My grandfather was not a friendly man but was not the same abusive man but quick to tease and hurt people with words. He didn't tell my dad that he loved him until his first real medical scare; my dad did not repeat that mistake.
My father picks and teases a bit much, and he is always critical. He hasn't offered much positive reinforcement, but I have never felt unloved.
I have made sure every day that I tell my children I love them, compliment them when they do something good, and try my best to do my best. Am I the best father ever? Hell no, but looking over the generations I would say that I am the end result of every father doing better than their own father. I hope my son runs laps around me with his own children.
This post was edited on 8/11/24 at 10:38 am
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:36 am to CocomoLSU
quote:
He’s probably upset that you’re gay and a poet.
Well I've given him 2 grandkids, which I agree is pretty gay.
The poetry I make no excuse for. That's not his fault.
quote:
Alcoholic all his life and also battled (undiagnosed) depression several times
The man has 30+ years of sobriety. That's the crazy thing. I mean, I respect the hell out of him for that.
quote:
So I’m a weird way, I appreciate my dad for showing me what I will never do to my own son. I’ll always love my dad, but I also deep down resent him for it and have never fully forgiven him for what he said. And I don’t think I ever will. And sadly, I’m actually okay with that.
Yeah. What he said to me in the fog of grief after my brother died will always stick with me. Pretty similar
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:37 am to BurningHeart
Sermon specifically addressed this today.
Timely and important.
Timely and important.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:46 am to BurningHeart
My dad was awesome and supportive. I like to think I’m a damn good dad too.
That said, one of our member’s dad is a cultural icon.
That said, one of our member’s dad is a cultural icon.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:47 am to CocomoLSU
quote:
So I’m a weird way, I appreciate my dad for showing me what I will never do to my own son. I’ll always love my dad, but I also deep down resent him for it and have never fully forgiven him for what he said.
I'm over my resentment now, just this year, but as an adult looking back I realize how much my parents fricked me up as an adult.
I was smart, I always have naturally been academically smart naturally. But my sister was athletic and that's all that mattered. She was the golden child, but she struggled with school. Somehow that was my fault and I needed to teach her and fix her.
My parents were selfish assholes looking back. They both worked out of town, to the point I made all my own posters for my cheerleading stuff, my grandpa came to my parent nights. But you better believe they flew across the country for my sister and her track!
You know how I spent my high school years. Eating McDonald's everyday and shuttling my sister to dance practice every night on top of my cheer and school because my parents weren't around.
So when she took her life the guilt and failure I felt as her "parent".
They also created massive abandonment issues I struggle with still. Cuz frick if I wasn't good enough for them then who am I worth it too.
BUT thankfully I know this now and fixed how I was raising my son. He will never know a day where he has to parent as a child or feel unloved by me. I will always be there.
Whew, thanks OT therapy for the day.
Actually typing that and thinking made me realize how badly I still anxiously attach to people.
This post was edited on 8/11/24 at 11:06 am
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:48 am to bountyhunter
quote:
My father picks and teases a bit much, and he is always critical. He hasn't offered much positive reinforcement, but I have never felt unloved.
I think this type of parenting is why a lot of Millenials are considered "soft" by older generations.
I was also picked and teased as a kid by adults. I was a very sensitive child, and my mother was told by men in her life that she needed to let go of me or I'd wind up being "Gay", "Soft", etc. As a result, she took on a more teasing approach to our relationship when cheerful, and then a stern approach when not. Men in my family were either always drunk or making fun of me for how I was. I was very in my own world, forgetful, emotional, etc. I was everything that generation was told would get you kicked/taken advantage of when real life came around. As a result I didn't feel like I could be myself around any role model in my life. This quickly turned to anger, especially when I thought I was doing well for myself and I wasn't given the proper praise I felt I deserved. It took a me a long while to understand what they were doing and why they were being the way they were. They were terrified they would set me up for failure. It was all out of love, but I don't agree with the methods. Now or then. I was a shithead, but nobody ever bothered to ask me why I was being a shithead.
I read a lot as a kid, and as a result I was too curious for my parent's patience. Why questions were never answered to my liking (which I admit I took to far). When Iw as given punishment I demanded a reason. "because I said so" and "You'll understand one day" were never sufficient. They still aren't. it's a backwater shitty way to parent. Trust that your child has the capability to understand if you explain something to them.
This post was edited on 8/11/24 at 10:48 am
Posted on 8/11/24 at 10:55 am to theunknownknight
quote:
But at the end of the day, Dad’s push for your best. Some just suck more at it.
Dads push, Moms nurture.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:15 am to fr33manator
quote:
The man has 30+ years of sobriety. That's the crazy thing. I mean, I respect the hell out of him for that.
I assume you mean your dad is 30 years sober? Because it definitely isn’t mine.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:17 am to BurningHeart
My dad was always the one to pick me up. He wasn’t a cheerleader or anything like that but he would tell me when I did well and help me get better when I needed that push. My mom is the one who is negative and tries to bring me down to her level. It intensified significantly when my dad died.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:20 am to CocomoLSU
quote:
I assume you mean your dad is 30 years sober?
Yes.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:20 am to fr33manator
quote:
He's not a bad man by any stretch, but he his a mean man, and it drives everyone who cares about him away. It sucks. Makes me never want to be that way for my kids
It’s a generational trend. Fathers from the Silent Generation were more concerned about toughening their sons up than being supportive dads who would help them in any way possible. Thank god that’s no longer the norm now. That’s not how you get your children to want to spend more time around you and go to you for advice.
This post was edited on 8/11/24 at 11:23 am
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:25 am to BurningHeart
My old man made it a point to tell me he loved me and was proud often, and I do the same with my boys.
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:34 am to BurningHeart
I’ve been guilty at this at times, but I’ve eased up
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:41 am to BurningHeart
quote:
For example making a 90 on a test and him asking where the other 10 points were. Or getting excited for the upcoming summer break and having him tell you all the work you were going to need to do during it.
Sounds like a good father to me by demanding excellence and teaching kids that life isn’t all fun and games you have to work for a living
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:44 am to NIH
quote:
When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds
Oh yeah, when I was 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my teticles
Posted on 8/11/24 at 11:46 am to BurningHeart
It can be both...sometimes a hard-arse, but being sure to tell them you love them and you're proud of them.
That's exactly why you're hard them: to make them stronger adults
That's exactly why you're hard them: to make them stronger adults
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