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Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:26 am to GAAtty70
Not divorced but have someone in the family that is. As long as both parents are truly focused on making the best situation for the kids then it can work very easy.
The problem is when one parent uses their time to undermine the other parent creating friction. This usually is part of a larger problem of not being flexible with schedules and visitation. Holidays become a battleground.
Key is to sit down with the wife... ex wife... and lay some friendly boundaries. Keep criticism of each other between you and not use kids as a way to communicate that stuff. As long as both of you are on the same page and not in competition it can/should work very well.
The devil in the details need to be sorted out. Child support, who is paying for insurance, how do you handle other bills such as doctor visits, school activities, clothes, school activities. Are you or your wife the kind that will refuse to pay half for something the other paid for? All of this small stuff is really what ultimately leads to the shite storm. Just sort it all out and come to an agreement. I would put it all down on paper... maybe just an informal email so if there is a potential for conflict maybe that will defuse it early.
Good luck.
The problem is when one parent uses their time to undermine the other parent creating friction. This usually is part of a larger problem of not being flexible with schedules and visitation. Holidays become a battleground.
Key is to sit down with the wife... ex wife... and lay some friendly boundaries. Keep criticism of each other between you and not use kids as a way to communicate that stuff. As long as both of you are on the same page and not in competition it can/should work very well.
The devil in the details need to be sorted out. Child support, who is paying for insurance, how do you handle other bills such as doctor visits, school activities, clothes, school activities. Are you or your wife the kind that will refuse to pay half for something the other paid for? All of this small stuff is really what ultimately leads to the shite storm. Just sort it all out and come to an agreement. I would put it all down on paper... maybe just an informal email so if there is a potential for conflict maybe that will defuse it early.
Good luck.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:28 am to GAAtty70
quote:
I want to maximize my time with my daughter, but not have something so chaotic that ends up being bad for her in the end.
I have mine every Wednesday and Thursday after school and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. His mother has him every Monday and Tuesday after school and every other Friday Saturday and Sunday. (2-2-5-5 schedule)
Mine is similar to this.
It sounds chaotic...but it isn't once it is established. For younger kids, it may not work...but as they get older, it works much better...in my case...his mother doesn't do a great job helping him academically...so at least 1/2 of every week he is at my house where I can help him.
*The schedule is very structured and the parents have the same nights each week except for one (in my case, he is with me every other Friday evening and every other Monday morning to school);
*Children are able to spend longer time with both parents each week;
*There are minimal exchanges;
*Each parent has equal time with the child;
*This is a shared parenting schedule and each parent has the opportunity help with the daily care-taking of the child; and,
*The child doesn't go very long without seeing either parent.
This post was edited on 1/4/19 at 10:36 am
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:30 am to GAAtty70
I have what they call a 2-2-5-5 schedule. Been doing it three years and it works great.
This post was edited on 1/4/19 at 10:35 am
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:32 am to GAAtty70
My ex & I have a 50/50 split, and it spans Wednesday to Wednesday. Essentially, she drops our son off at school on Wednesday morning, and I pick him up that afternoon. He stays with me until the following Wednesday, when I drop him off at school, and then the schedule flips. So I get him a week at a time, but neither of us have the full burden of picking-up and dropping-off at school for a full, consecutive work week (no buses at his school). It works great because I have him for a full weekend, then I can do whatever I please the following weekend. My GF has two kids around his age, so we are usually with them on the weekends that I have him (although we do things on our own from time to time). Hope this helps. Sacrificing time with your children is the most gut-wrenching decision that one can make.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:34 am to Grit-Eating Shin
quote:
It works great because I have him for a full weekend, then I can do whatever I please the following weekend.
Wow.....
Good thing you can dump off your little burden every other week so you can have some you time.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:37 am to GAAtty70
My husband has 50/50 with his child. If your ex is going to fight you on this, get a good lawyer. His ex tried to say the back and forth was causing behavior issues at school while they were in the process of transitioning to 50/50 during the separation, but there was no basis. The judge delayed giving him more time for a couple months & ordered the child to be evaluated by a therapist. My H got letters from the teachers saying there were no changes in behavior, along with the counselor saying she was fine. At the next court date, he was given full 50/50 (no more gradual ramping up by adding a few more days each month).
The only crappy part is that they have a 2-2-3 schedule, so it’s very hard to plan things with her. My step daughter is super adaptable and has been fine on this schedule for over 2 years, but I wish they just did a week on/week off, or something like that. 2-2-3 is a lot of back and forth. We have her M-T, mom has her W-Th, then we have F-Sat-Sun. It reverses the next week, where her mom has M-T, we have W-Th, she has F-Sat-Sun. Holidays are all spelled out to the minute in the implementation plan, since each holiday became a battle during separation. It’s easy now.
Try to stay in or very near her school district, so it can’t be argued that you’re too far away to reasonably handle having that much time.
All of that said, if there is any way to salvage your marriage, I highly recommend you strongly consider before you pull the plug. Divorce is awful. Even with 50/50, it’s a shitty feeling knowing the child has two separate, independent lives, and you aren’t a part of her other world. Especially if the parents are not friendly. The kid is often put in the position of feeling like she has to hide aspects of one parent from the other to avoid hurting feelings, etc. Which should not be her responsibility at all.
The only crappy part is that they have a 2-2-3 schedule, so it’s very hard to plan things with her. My step daughter is super adaptable and has been fine on this schedule for over 2 years, but I wish they just did a week on/week off, or something like that. 2-2-3 is a lot of back and forth. We have her M-T, mom has her W-Th, then we have F-Sat-Sun. It reverses the next week, where her mom has M-T, we have W-Th, she has F-Sat-Sun. Holidays are all spelled out to the minute in the implementation plan, since each holiday became a battle during separation. It’s easy now.
Try to stay in or very near her school district, so it can’t be argued that you’re too far away to reasonably handle having that much time.
All of that said, if there is any way to salvage your marriage, I highly recommend you strongly consider before you pull the plug. Divorce is awful. Even with 50/50, it’s a shitty feeling knowing the child has two separate, independent lives, and you aren’t a part of her other world. Especially if the parents are not friendly. The kid is often put in the position of feeling like she has to hide aspects of one parent from the other to avoid hurting feelings, etc. Which should not be her responsibility at all.
This post was edited on 1/4/19 at 10:47 am
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:39 am to Displaced
quote:
Good thing you can dump off your little burden every other week so you can have some you time.
Not surprising these kinds of people end up divorced.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:41 am to madmaxvol
@madmaxvol, that schedule blew my brain up when my attorney showed it to me during mediation. Works great though. I'd recommend it.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:44 am to GAAtty70
Dig up some dirt on the soon to be ex. That will reflect well on your case.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:52 am to GAAtty70
50/50 works great only if both parents are not assholes.
If you both live close to each other, one night on, one night off during school week. Every other weekend. That way each parent gets to see the child every single day during the week. It isn’t optimal, but it does allow both parents to be truly vested in the kids daily lives.
But don’t try it if y’all are assholes to each other.
If you both live close to each other, one night on, one night off during school week. Every other weekend. That way each parent gets to see the child every single day during the week. It isn’t optimal, but it does allow both parents to be truly vested in the kids daily lives.
But don’t try it if y’all are assholes to each other.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 10:55 am to Displaced
quote:
think their divorce is unique and justifiable and not indicative of their own poor choices/decisions.
Marrying my ex was definitely a poor decision, never said it wasn’t. I wasn’t going to be miserable the rest of my life with someone I didn’t love and who was unfaithful. So, divorcing her was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:02 am to GAAtty70
We do a 2/2/3 schedule. We have done it for over 3 years now and my daughter loves it. She is 8 and to her, its second nature. She knows who is going to pick her up and what weekends is with mom vs dad.
Typical Schedule:
Week 1 -
Dad - M, T, F, Sat, Sun
Mom - W, Thursday
Then it flips. It sounds hard and ridiculous, but it works well.
Week 2
Mom - M, T, F, Sat, Sun
Dad - W, Thursday
That being said, we live VERY close to each other and in the divorce decree it is set that we both have to be in the same school district and live close to each other. This is the only way it would work out. That also being said, I didn't fight for child support or custody. My daughter loves her father. There is no reason why I need to keep her away from him. I don't need his money. My daughter isn't in daycare. I can support myself.
I hope your ex realizes she needs to do what is best for her child. A custody battle is ridiculous and a waste of money when the father wants to be in the picture. So many women fight for money just because they are hurt. Good luck.
Typical Schedule:
Week 1 -
Dad - M, T, F, Sat, Sun
Mom - W, Thursday
Then it flips. It sounds hard and ridiculous, but it works well.
Week 2
Mom - M, T, F, Sat, Sun
Dad - W, Thursday
That being said, we live VERY close to each other and in the divorce decree it is set that we both have to be in the same school district and live close to each other. This is the only way it would work out. That also being said, I didn't fight for child support or custody. My daughter loves her father. There is no reason why I need to keep her away from him. I don't need his money. My daughter isn't in daycare. I can support myself.
I hope your ex realizes she needs to do what is best for her child. A custody battle is ridiculous and a waste of money when the father wants to be in the picture. So many women fight for money just because they are hurt. Good luck.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:09 am to Displaced
quote:Ikr? It's usually spent cleaning my house or taking care of other menial tasks. Totally glamorous & carefree.
Good thing you can dump off your little burden every other week so you can have some you time.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:15 am to GAAtty70
I have a 2.2.3 schedule. It works fine for now.
I get monday tue
she gets wed thur
I get weekend
Then flip. it works out to 7 days equal time over 2 weeks.
I get monday tue
she gets wed thur
I get weekend
Then flip. it works out to 7 days equal time over 2 weeks.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:26 am to GAAtty70
I have equal custody with my ex. We do every other day and every other weekend. It works for us. Been doing it for 7 years now. It helps that we live 10 minutes from each other though. Choose whatever schedule that works best for you two and the child though.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:30 am to Displaced
quote:
Good thing you can dump off your little burden every other week so you can have some you time.
Look, you get dealt a shite hand, you can sit there and cry when you don’t have them
(And you will at times) or you can get a move on with your life and keep living.
Make the best of a bad situation.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:34 am to GAAtty70
quote:
GAAtty70
quote:Checks out
Shared Custody
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:35 am to GAAtty70
age of your daughter? 50/50 is obtainable given no extreme circumstances between you and your ex-wife. Need a little more detail to chime-in at length, age of kid, distance you'll live from her mother, and whatever else you may be able to add. 7/7 for 50/50 is the only way, 2-2-3 is way too chaotic.
Posted on 1/4/19 at 11:37 am to madmaxvol
2-2-5 i would oppose, the more back and forth, the harder it is for "routine" IMO
7-7 allows you to be consistent
7-7 allows you to be consistent
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