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Message
re: Marriage over or salvageable?
Posted on 11/28/22 at 9:49 am to DeSantis_2024
Posted on 11/28/22 at 9:49 am to DeSantis_2024
Wake up every morning and choose to love your wife.
0
Posted on 11/28/22 at 9:50 am to chRxis
I've been married for almost twelve years, and eleven and a half of those years have been pretty shitty. i'm definitely not in what you would call a good marriage. however, we're still hanging in there because we have two wonderful kids and i think we both accept that life divorced will be much worse and more painful for all four of us. sometimes it feels like we're hanging onto a knot at the end of the rope, but that just is what it is.
now here's what i've picked up from my perspective:
stop expecting your wife to change. assume she will not. even if she is dead nuts wrong in all regards and really is the cause of all the problems in the marriage (unlikely, but just for the sake of the argument), just assume she still will not change. all you can change is yourself, and your reaction to her. right, wrong, or indifferent, that just is what it is man. you can be totally morally right, divorce your wife because she doesnt deserve you or whatever, and you're still going to end up single and alone with another man raising your kids.
i'm not going to make a post like a lot of other folks here that you need to just quit being a little bitch and man up and all of that stuff because i know what you're dealing with (at least to an extent), and being told to "man up" isnt helpful in my opinion. my guess is you already feel like you are manning up, and it's still not helping. just hang in there, and try to remain positive and take care of your own mental health, try not to respond negatively to negative. i find that when i remain positive even when my wife is being unfairly (in my mind) harsh towards me, it usually helps defuse the situation. does this mean that it's generally socially accepted that women can act irrationally towards men and that men have to learn to deal with it? yeah pretty much. it's not fair, but life isnt fair.
anyways, that's kind of long and rambling. but hang in there. you arent alone.
now here's what i've picked up from my perspective:
stop expecting your wife to change. assume she will not. even if she is dead nuts wrong in all regards and really is the cause of all the problems in the marriage (unlikely, but just for the sake of the argument), just assume she still will not change. all you can change is yourself, and your reaction to her. right, wrong, or indifferent, that just is what it is man. you can be totally morally right, divorce your wife because she doesnt deserve you or whatever, and you're still going to end up single and alone with another man raising your kids.
i'm not going to make a post like a lot of other folks here that you need to just quit being a little bitch and man up and all of that stuff because i know what you're dealing with (at least to an extent), and being told to "man up" isnt helpful in my opinion. my guess is you already feel like you are manning up, and it's still not helping. just hang in there, and try to remain positive and take care of your own mental health, try not to respond negatively to negative. i find that when i remain positive even when my wife is being unfairly (in my mind) harsh towards me, it usually helps defuse the situation. does this mean that it's generally socially accepted that women can act irrationally towards men and that men have to learn to deal with it? yeah pretty much. it's not fair, but life isnt fair.
anyways, that's kind of long and rambling. but hang in there. you arent alone.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:03 am to Sam Quint
quote:
I've been married for almost twelve years, and eleven and a half of those years have been pretty shitty.
Sheesh
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:07 am to DeSantis_2024
This is a normal part of marriage.
If you plan on being married for life like you promised, expect at least a few rough patches or times you or your spouse wants to bail.
Things will get great again and then suck again. It's normal.
Stay with it.
If you plan on being married for life like you promised, expect at least a few rough patches or times you or your spouse wants to bail.
Things will get great again and then suck again. It's normal.
Stay with it.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:10 am to DeSantis_2024
So you've been married 9 years, and your wife has had a human growing inside her for nearly a third of that time, and then they were babies/toddlers. Y'all are in an exhausting phase of marriage, but you WILL get through it, and you'll live to laugh about the craziness of your life right now.
When you're in that phase, even a getaway can seem like a chore. There's so much expectation to be the people you were when you were newlyweds/pre-kids, but that ship has sailed.
Take care of your wife how she needs to be loved right now, and communicate with her (honestly) about what you want your marriage to look like.
And please continue to date! Bearing and taking care of children can make women feel less than the the spunky young ladies they once were. Getting dressed up for even a low key night out (and have a babysitter take care of the kids) will do wonders for y'all to reconnect.
When you're in that phase, even a getaway can seem like a chore. There's so much expectation to be the people you were when you were newlyweds/pre-kids, but that ship has sailed.
Take care of your wife how she needs to be loved right now, and communicate with her (honestly) about what you want your marriage to look like.
And please continue to date! Bearing and taking care of children can make women feel less than the the spunky young ladies they once were. Getting dressed up for even a low key night out (and have a babysitter take care of the kids) will do wonders for y'all to reconnect.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:16 am to DeSantis_2024
14 yrs, 3 kids. It only gets worse, enjoy 
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:23 am to HouseMom
quote:
Take care of your wife how she needs to be loved right now
I know you're being supportive, and that you're trying to give guidance to the OP, but I find this kind of trite and generic advice to be simply maddening. I get told this kind of thing as well, and it makes me want to bash my head into a wall because what in the world does "take care of your wife how she needs to be loved right now" mean to a husband who is in the depths of frustration and hopelessness in a marriage? I can guarantee you that he 100% thinks he is doing this already.
no offense, I know you mean well. but I hate getting this kind of advice.
This post was edited on 11/28/22 at 10:24 am
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:27 am to Sam Quint
quote:
however, we're still hanging in there because we have two wonderful kids and i think we both accept that life divorced will be much worse and more painful for all four of us.
Don't be so sure. I grew up in a house with unhappy parents who should have divorced, and trust me...the kids know everything.
This post was edited on 11/28/22 at 10:28 am
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:32 am to GetCocky11
quote:
Don't be so sure. I grew up in a house with unhappy parents who should have divorced, and trust me...the kids know everything
for sure it's a case by case basis. i'm speaking specifically in the context of my own marriage, and my own children's personalities and requirements. my wife and i dont really fight all that much, and we are both good parents. she really is a good person in general, i just think that somehow maybe we are maybe just uniquely unfit for eachother in a way that we didnt know early on. i dont know. but i firmly believe that our kids growing up with both of us in the house and at least doing our best to make it all work is the best thing for all of us.
maybe when they leave the house it will be over. but maybe by then it will be better. really just taking it day by day. i totally understand what you're saying though.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:33 am to DeSantis_2024
quote:
Sex has gone from 2-3 times/week when we first got married to maybe once a week now.
Once a week? Hey! That's pretty damn good! ...Errrrrrr
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:36 am to Sam Quint
quote:
for sure it's a case by case basis. i'm speaking specifically in the context of my own marriage, and my own children's personalities and requirements. my wife and i dont really fight all that much, and we are both good parents. she really is a good person in general, i just think that somehow maybe we are maybe just uniquely unfit for eachother in a way that we didnt know early on. i dont know. but i firmly believe that our kids growing up with both of us in the house and at least doing our best to make it all work is the best thing for all of us.
maybe when they leave the house it will be over. but maybe by then it will be better. really just taking it day by day. i totally understand what you're saying though.
Wish we had direct messaging on this website, but just want to let you know that you aren't alone. We're happier now as a whole, even though we "failed".
Best of luck to you.
This post was edited on 11/28/22 at 10:38 am
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:44 am to DeSantis_2024
quote:
As Maximus said in Gladiator when someone asked him what he'd tell his wife if he saw her again in the afterlife... "That is none of your business"
Right. Good luck.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:53 am to GetCocky11
quote:
Best of luck to you.
appreciate it. i have seen examples of couples that split but stayed geographically and relationally close to raise the kids that has worked well. and it may come to that. i hope not, but it could.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 10:59 am to Richard Grayson
quote:
Elevate your wife above yourself and lead by example. You cannot expect someone else to do what you won’t do yourself.
All this! Damn, well said.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 11:02 am to DeSantis_2024
quote:
I'm not sure if it can get back to the way it was.
No matter what, it will never be the "way it was." It shouldn't be. Relationships grown and change and mature. The "lovey dovey" phase as you call it is JUST A PHASE.
Grow up. Realize that sharing your life together isn't all about everything being perfect and you feeling good all the time. It's having someone you care deeply about with you through all the hard stuff. Conversation isn't the same because you pretty much know everything about each other now.
Sometimes your time alone together is nothing more than a hour to watch a show you both like or 2 hours to watch a movie. It's going to dinner and enjoying your meal and your drink without being interrupted by a kid wanting something. It's not some magical, perfect thing where your every want is met and all is interesting and new.
Welcome to maturity. Either be a grown up and be there with your wife while going through this hard (but most special) "phase" or bail and miss out on the most special moments of your kids growing up.
These are actually the times you will miss someday when the kids are grown. The days drag, but time flies.
This post was edited on 11/28/22 at 11:52 am
Posted on 11/28/22 at 11:03 am to DeSantis_2024
sex once per week and you're considering divorce?
Damn. Maybe youre the problem?
Damn. Maybe youre the problem?
Posted on 11/28/22 at 11:10 am to Sam Quint
quote:
no offense, I know you mean well. but I hate getting this kind of advice.
That’s because you’re in different situation and bitter about it.
No one here is saying all marriages work. Reading your issues, it sounds like yours sucks and you’re truly unhappy, as is she. You two seem like you aren’t even friends. IMO, being friends is one of the, if not, THE most important part of a marriage. Because honestly, if you don’t even LIKE your wife and/or vice versa, you’re wasting valuable time in your life. Sometimes it’s just doesn’t work and it can’t be worked out.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 11:15 am to DeSantis_2024
HANG IN THERE.
You've gotta find ways to romance your wife. She's stressed over the kids, the house, the hectic schedule, etc....
If you can find ways to take some stress off of her, or the both of you, you'll be better off.
Can you hire a maid?
Can the grandparents pick the kids up from school 1 evening per week?
Can the 2 of you sit down and cut something from your schedule or lists... meaning - you can say "no" to the kids.
Add up several of these things and you lighten up the load on your wife and may open up more time for the 2 of you.
You've gotta find ways to romance your wife. She's stressed over the kids, the house, the hectic schedule, etc....
If you can find ways to take some stress off of her, or the both of you, you'll be better off.
Can you hire a maid?
Can the grandparents pick the kids up from school 1 evening per week?
Can the 2 of you sit down and cut something from your schedule or lists... meaning - you can say "no" to the kids.
Add up several of these things and you lighten up the load on your wife and may open up more time for the 2 of you.
Posted on 11/28/22 at 11:17 am to Prominentwon
quote:
That’s because you’re in different situation and bitter about it.
No one here is saying all marriages work. Reading your issues, it sounds like yours sucks and you’re truly unhappy, as is she. You two seem like you aren’t even friends. IMO, being friends is one of the, if not, THE most important part of a marriage. Because honestly, if you don’t even LIKE your wife and/or vice versa, you’re wasting valuable time in your life. Sometimes it’s just doesn’t work and it can’t be worked out.
that's fine. but i can pretty much promise you the OP isnt going to read "take care of your wife how she needs to be loved right now" and think "GOSH that's what I havent been doing!"
Posted on 11/28/22 at 11:23 am to DeSantis_2024
quote:
Been married almost 10 years, have three young kids and that's definitely taken a huge toll on us. It feels more like we're co-parents now instead of spouses. Sex has gone from 2-3 times/week when we first got married to maybe once a week now. We went on an anniversary trip recently, and even when away from the kids for a bit finally, it didn't feel like the "good ole days" earlier in our marriage before kids. I'm not happy with where our marriage stands but divorce seems like an even worse option between the huge financial hit it would impose on me and the damage it would do to the kids. Thoughts? Those of you that found your marriage in a similar rut, were you able to salvage your marriage and if so how?
Probably already stated, but: Have you talked this over with your wife?
This post was edited on 11/28/22 at 11:24 am
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