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Message
re: We need a joke today.
Posted on 4/13/22 at 2:35 pm to LSUFanHouston
Posted on 4/13/22 at 2:35 pm to LSUFanHouston
Jim Mora, Sean Payton and Drew Brees die and go to heaven
God gives them wings and says "if you have a dirty thought your wings will fall off".
Well they go walking down the street and a hot girl walks by, immediately Jim's wings fall off. Sean looks to see what happened and notices the girl, his wings fall off and when he bends over to pick them up Drew's also fall off.
God gives them wings and says "if you have a dirty thought your wings will fall off".
Well they go walking down the street and a hot girl walks by, immediately Jim's wings fall off. Sean looks to see what happened and notices the girl, his wings fall off and when he bends over to pick them up Drew's also fall off.
1
Posted on 4/13/22 at 2:46 pm to The Torch
A couple are about to make love in the bedroom, but the woman wants to freshen up a bit first.
On her way to the bathroom, she stumbles on a bump on the floor.
The man says, "Darling, are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The woman says she's fine, but on her way back, stumbles on it again.
The man says, "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. That's my fault, and I will fix it as soon as I can."
The woman says shes fine, and climbs into bed. After they make love, she leaves to get cleaned up and again stumbles on the floor.
The man looks over and says, "Clumsy bitch, watch where you're going!"
On her way to the bathroom, she stumbles on a bump on the floor.
The man says, "Darling, are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The woman says she's fine, but on her way back, stumbles on it again.
The man says, "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. That's my fault, and I will fix it as soon as I can."
The woman says shes fine, and climbs into bed. After they make love, she leaves to get cleaned up and again stumbles on the floor.
The man looks over and says, "Clumsy bitch, watch where you're going!"
Posted on 4/13/22 at 2:59 pm to Master of Sinanju
Pierre goes to the doctor who examines him carefully, does x-rays and blood tests. The doc looks at Pierre and says, "You accidently ingested some poison for which there is no antidote. I'm afraid you only have twelve hours to live."
Pierre rushes home and tells his wife, Edmée.
She says "What should we do with your remaining time?"
He says, "Let's frick."
She agrees and they go at it hot and heavy: on the bed, on the floor, against the wall, in the kitchen and every other room in the house. Finally, they are both spent.
Edmée asks, "How much more time do you have?"
Pierre looks at his watch and says, "Only six hours."
Edmée asks, "What you want to do with your remaining time."
Pierre says, "Let's frick some more."
Edmée says, "No, I can't."
Pierre asks, "Why not?"
She says, "I have to get up in the morning to go to work. You don't."
Pierre rushes home and tells his wife, Edmée.
She says "What should we do with your remaining time?"
He says, "Let's frick."
She agrees and they go at it hot and heavy: on the bed, on the floor, against the wall, in the kitchen and every other room in the house. Finally, they are both spent.
Edmée asks, "How much more time do you have?"
Pierre looks at his watch and says, "Only six hours."
Edmée asks, "What you want to do with your remaining time."
Pierre says, "Let's frick some more."
Edmée says, "No, I can't."
Pierre asks, "Why not?"
She says, "I have to get up in the morning to go to work. You don't."
Posted on 4/13/22 at 3:00 pm to blueridgeTiger
A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together. They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favourite golf courses. They play through to the 9th hole, both having an amazing game. The husband watches his beautiful wife tee off and feels a rush of emotion and guilt.
"Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I slept with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."
The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you."
The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband.
"Honey, I too have something to confess."
The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything."
"Before we met, I had a sex change. I used to be a man."
The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock.
"But I forgave you for your secret!"
The husband, red faced, turns to her. "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheating piece of shite!"
"Honey, I have to tell you something. At the very beginning of our marriage, I slept with another woman. It only happened once and I've been faithful ever since. It was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."
The wife looks fondly at him. "I forgive you. We've had a very happy life together. I love you."
The husband is so relieved, feeling light as a feather. They play a few more holes in bliss when suddenly the wife turns to her husband.
"Honey, I too have something to confess."
The husband smiles and says, "Anything dear - you were so gracious to me, and we can make it through anything."
"Before we met, I had a sex change. I used to be a man."
The husband throws his club down and starts swearing and kicking up turf. The wife is in shock.
"But I forgave you for your secret!"
The husband, red faced, turns to her. "All these years! All these years you've been teeing off from the ladies tee box you cheating piece of shite!"
This post was edited on 4/13/22 at 3:03 pm
Posted on 4/13/22 at 3:06 pm to LSUPERMAN
Man: "I'm terrified of random letters."
Therapist: "You are?"
Man: [screams]
Therapist: "Oh, I see."
Man: [screaming intensifies]
Therapist: "You are?"
Man: [screams]
Therapist: "Oh, I see."
Man: [screaming intensifies]
Posted on 4/13/22 at 3:08 pm to Jor Jor The Dinosaur
Should I tell a Heisenberg joke here? I'm not certain.
Posted on 4/13/22 at 4:46 pm to blueridgeTiger
What does the pregnant 14 year old and the baby inside her have in common?
They're both thinking, "Oh no, mom's gonna kill me!"
They're both thinking, "Oh no, mom's gonna kill me!"
Posted on 4/13/22 at 9:29 pm to Meauxjeaux
They've opened the neighborhood pool. After swimming a while, I had to pee. Rather than walk over to the bathrooms, I just peed in the pool. The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me; I almost fell in....
Posted on 4/14/22 at 9:47 pm to blueridgeTiger
After 25 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked the wife to stand and bend over the desk. She complied; the therapist pulled down the wife's pants and ravished her in front of the husband. After it was done the woman sat down purring as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you handle this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked the wife to stand and bend over the desk. She complied; the therapist pulled down the wife's pants and ravished her in front of the husband. After it was done the woman sat down purring as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you handle this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Posted on 4/14/22 at 10:09 pm to 14caratgoldjones
What do you call a Gynecologist?
Spreader of old wives tails.
Spreader of old wives tails.
Posted on 4/14/22 at 10:20 pm to LSUFanHouston
What kind of fuel does the Scooby Doo van use?
Posted on 4/15/22 at 11:11 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
What kind of fuel does the Scooby Doo van use?
Posted on 4/23/22 at 6:26 am to HubbaBubba
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero and one is a command.
One is a superhero and one is a command.
Posted on 4/23/22 at 6:50 am to Zapps
I have two unwritten rules:
1.________
2.________
If you drive a Subaru backwards, what are you
U r a bus
1.________
2.________
If you drive a Subaru backwards, what are you
U r a bus
Posted on 4/23/22 at 7:10 am to TDTOM
A guy is playing golf and on the 8th hole par 3 he hits a hole in one. When he pulls his ball out the cup a genie pops out and says, “I’m the 8th hole genie. I grant you one wish”. The guy says, “I want a bigger dick”. The genie said his wish was granted.
He wakes up the next morning and his dick is huge. Dragging the ground huge. He has to wrap it around his leg to keep it from hanging out his jeans. By the end of the day he realizes he can’t live like this and he has to fix it.
The next day he goes back to the 8th hole, desperately trying to get another hole in one. Finally, right at dark, he hits a hole in one. He runs to the green and pulls his ball out. The genie pops out and says, “I’m the 8th hole genie. I grant you one wish”. The guy exclaims, “I need you to make me taller!”
He wakes up the next morning and his dick is huge. Dragging the ground huge. He has to wrap it around his leg to keep it from hanging out his jeans. By the end of the day he realizes he can’t live like this and he has to fix it.
The next day he goes back to the 8th hole, desperately trying to get another hole in one. Finally, right at dark, he hits a hole in one. He runs to the green and pulls his ball out. The genie pops out and says, “I’m the 8th hole genie. I grant you one wish”. The guy exclaims, “I need you to make me taller!”
This post was edited on 4/23/22 at 8:21 am
Posted on 4/23/22 at 8:17 am to SouthEndzoneTiger
Augustus McRae says when they ask if they can cut off his other leg, "Quit askin' me those stupid questions 'cause ya can't stump me !!!!"
Posted on 4/23/22 at 8:42 am to alajones
"With a pair of Caesars"
Winner. My favorite.
Winner. My favorite.
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