Self-counseling advice

Posted on 2/9/26 at 9:59 pm

Posted by Will Cover

Davidson, NC

Member since Mar 2007

40056 posts

Posted on 2/9/26 at 9:59 pm

TLDR.

For those of you who are in it, going through it, or don't know how to get through it, I want to sincerely share some things that I have learned. After all, we are just outside of January -- the biggest filings for divorce month of the entire year.

Yes, it's the OT and almost everyone in here has life figured out, doesn't need or believe in counseling, and makes six figures. But in case you're that anomoly, maybe this might help you. And while your experience(s) are going to be different than mine, perhaps there is something in here that might help or resonate.

For a long time, I tried to "sales-pitch" my way out of a failing marriage. I was operating out of pure fear — scared of the distance and terrified of the silence because I grew up in a house where silence was never a good sign. There was constant yelling, and physical violence. My parents, rest in peace, did the best they could, but their marriage was broken and I wanted to do whatever I could to "fix" mine -- without yelling or violence --- and quickly. I was so uncomfortable at being uncomfortable.

My counselor finally gave me the reality check I needed. He told me: "If you break your leg, it doesn't matter how much you love riding your bike; that activity just isn't available to you right now. You have to heal first. It was then that I realized I was trying to ride a bike on a broken leg.

I also learned that I was trying to control the narrative instead of listening to understand her reality. I was listening to respond. And I didn't listen because I was scared --- and I wasn't ready to change. I deflected and redirected, which in turn, felt and looked a lot like manipulation. It took reaching a point of total mental exhaustion for me to finally stop talking and start truly listening.

I had to learn to be still. From someone who suffered greatly with anxiety, that was not an easy thing to do. It’s in the silence — the "not doing" — that I actually started to understand her perspective -- and started to really understand people. My overall relationships with people have become so much better because I actually listen today. And I have mastered and conquered anxiety today, which is nothing more than fear, deep rooted.

I learned to go "into my camp" and do the work privately. It’s not about convincing her or anyone I’ve changed; it’s about actually changing and letting the results speak for themselves. There's no lobbying. No campaigning. If they want to see it or acknowledge it, they will. Or if they want to ignore it, they will. Doesn't matter, because at the end of the day, you will become a better version of yourself for yourself.

I’m practicing patience now. Not the kind of patience where you’re just waiting for your turn to speak, but the kind where you sit in the discomfort and let the healing happen at its own pace.

For those of you in the thick of it ... You can’t blow out a fire while you're still pouring gas on it. My 'gas' was the need to control the narrative and the fear of the silence. I had to stop talking and let the fire burn out before I could see what was left to rebuild. If you want peace, stop lobbying and start listening. Do the work for yourself, not for the audience, and let the results speak for themselves.

We are all broken to some degree. Some of us are just better at hiding the cracks than others. Get in your own camp, do the work for yourself, and let the results follow.

Become the best version of yourself -- it will serve you well, even if your marriage is over and reconciliation and restoration are not on the table. Because life goes on, and hopefully for all of us, there is still a lot of life left to live -- and love.

This post was edited on 2/9/26 at 10:01 pm